Part 2 of 4 of a series diving deep into the Attachment Bond, What It Looks Like and What Type of Attachment Style Do You Have

Attachment is the foundation of everything. Of how we see ourselves and how we see others. There are two main types of Attachment, Secure and Insecure. Last week I focused on Secure Attachment and this week I will introduce Insecure Attachment, which has 3 types. These types are Avoidant, Anxious-Ambivalent, and Disorganized Attachment. In this blog I will focus primarily on the Avoidant Attachment Style, how it typically develops, what are the signs of Avoidant Attachment, and finally what you can do to change it.

Insecure Attachment is fueled by anxiety and fear. We all experience anxiety and fear, at different times in our lives, sometimes on an almost daily basis. It’s our body’s way of signaling to us that something is not quite right. When anxiety cripples us or consumes us, then it may fall into the category of an Anxiety disorder. But the experience of anxiety in and of itself is not a bad thing. Fear also acts in this way and is often connected to our feelings of anxiety. Unlike anxiety, fear is just an emotion, like happiness and sadness. When we experience fear, we are responding to something in our environment that is experienced as a threat.  Fear and anxiety are connected to our Stress Response System which is often why they are experienced at the same time and also why many people mistake anxiety for fear and fear for anxiety. But they are not the same thing.

The anxiety and fear that are hallmarks of insecure attachment are prolonged and typically result in the person feeling like they cannot trust other people (“I have trust issues”) and feelings of rejection on one end of the spectrum and abandonment on the other. When a person displays an insecure attachment style they worry all the time about loss of connection. Due to this fear around the loss of connection a person may be overly clingy, completely disconnected, or a mix of both. 

 

Before I get into the 3 types of insecure attachment I want to stress that insecure attachment often develops during those critical first 5 years of our lives and this is why it sets the foundation for our adult relationships. Second even though it develops during our early years, you can actually change your attachment style. Once you recognize the patterns and commit to changing them, this change is possible. 

Avoidant Attachment is…

Avoidant Attachment develops during those crucial first 5 years and ends up being a lifelong pattern of relating to people if it goes unchallenged. A baby’s natural response is to look to their parent/caregiver when they become distressed, to have this distress soothed by the adult because they do not have the ability to do this on their own. Not only do they look to their parents/caregivers for soothing but also for play and emotional connection. So if the parent/caregiver is unable to attune to the baby’s needs (which includes play and face to face connection) or they are consistently unable to soothe the baby, then the baby learns that the parent/caregiver is not able to meet their need. They then learn how to soothe on their own. This may sound great, except that the way they learn to cope is typically unhealthy. Their little Stress Response Systems kick in which becomes the predominate way they learn to cope. They learn to stop crying out and essentially this is done by disconnecting (dissociating) from their bodes and their emotions.

They learn that parents/caregivers and thus people cannot be trusted to take care of them or meet their needs. They become independent and self sufficient, learning to only rely on themselves. They don’t see their parent/caregiver as a source of fear but they also do not see them as a source of comfort. There is in a sense a lack of connectedness between mother and baby, which leaves the baby to internalize this message and the mechanisms for attachment remain underdeveloped. 

The hallmark of Avoidant Attachment is the parent/caregiver may meet the child’s physical needs but not their emotional ones. There is a disconnection emotionally. This is more easily identified during the toddler years when children begin to tantrum as they are learning how to cope with their own emotions. The way parents/caregivers respond to their children in these moments sticks with them. When the child cries or expresses an emotion is the parent/caregiver validating or do they just shut the child down? When you shut them down or minimize their feelings they learn that their feelings are not valid and they don’t matter. Moreover they learn that you will not be able to soothe their distress so why bother expressing them. This leads to disconnection.

Avoidant Attachment Between Parent & Child

-There is very little if any distress during parent-child separations

-Upon parent/caregiver and toddler/child reunions the toddler/child seems to ignore their parent/caregiver

-When distressed the toddler/child doesn’t seek out comfort from their parent/caregiver or any other adult

-Avoids or resists physical touch/contact

-Seems to lack emotion /rarely cries

The Avoidant Attached Adult

-Avoids intimate/close relationships

-Has relationships but they are not experienced by the other as close or deep

-Difficulty tuning into and/or expressing their own emotions. May not even be able to identify how they are feeling

-When they feel like they are getting too close to someone they may become defensive and feel the urge to protect themselves leaving them to put their walls up

-They experience vulnerability as weakness and believe that if they get too close someone will take advantage of them

What an Avoidant Attachment Relationship Between Adults Looks and Feels Like

-Lack of vulnerability-not fully sharing ones self with their partner

-A desire to get close to others but being afraid of this closeness-sending out mixed signals

-Self sabotaging behaviors 

-Walling self off emotionally or shutting down when things get to close 

-They may feel like their partners desire to get close to them, physically or emotionally, makes them clingy and this in turn makes the avoidantly attached person want to move away from them

3 Tips for Repairing Your Avoidant Attachment

Avoidant attachment can leave you feeling lonely and disconnected despite your desire to be connected to others but your fear is driving you. In order to get your needs met and to not be ruled by fear you can use these 3 tips below. 

#1 Understand your triggers: We all have things that we are sensitive about. It’s self protection that keeps us walled off because we don’t want to be hurt. We want to be and express love but the fear around loss can prevent us from doing this. Triggers for your fear are typically around someone getting to close. When we feel like people can truly see us then they will see how afraid we really are and this is scary. In order to fight against that we put up our walls to keep people out. This boundary is often emotional. You will know when your wall comes up because you will suddenly feel an urge to shut down and maybe even to move away. Start to journal emotions when they do come up as well rather than trying to push them away. Keep track of these triggers and what illicit them so you can then move into tip #2.

#2 Start to explore feelings and emotions and getting attuned to your body. When that wall comes up what is happening internally with you? What physical sensations are you having and consequently what thoughts might come along with them? Now get curious about these thoughts. Are they something you really want or believe or are they getting in your way of what you want? If so then challenge them and then move to tip #3.

#3 Practice getting close to someone. This can be with a therapist or a lifelong friend. Start notice how you feel when you’re with them and the types of conversations you have. What happens when they express to you something emotional? Do you feel more anxiety? Fear? What thoughts come up for you when you think about sharing parts of yourself? Being vulnerable with another? Next start off by sharing very small not so vulnerable details about yourself with them. Your anxiety or fear may raise a little and you can stop when it becomes too much for you.

Conclusion: 

Avoidant attachment is an attachment style fueled by independence and self reliance. But this bravado is a mask for the fear and anxiety around getting close to others. Many of us who struggle with this type of attachment style desire closeness and connection but the fear of rejection or of our needs not getting met prohibits us from getting close. Instead our Stress Response System, sensing a threat, kicks in and self protection dominates. In order to override this coping strategy we must learn how to tolerate closeness, slow and steady. The 3 tips above are a good starting point. 

Are you constantly feeling alone no matter how many people are around you and despite having many friends? Let’s get to the bottom of this and alleviate your loneliness. Schedule your intake session today.

 

Predators use manipulation in order to gain the trust of their targets. These manipulation tactics are globally known as grooming behaviors. Grooming behaviors are designed to make the target of the abuse feel “special”, build trust, and have access to the target fairly easily. Most people who sexually abuse children, use children that they know all ready. This often includes family members, family friends, other children, and people like coaches or religious figures. These folks tend to all ready be embeded in the family system, which makes the grooming a lot easier. But there are other predators who start out as strangers to your child and also to you. They come in through the internet and unfortunately with Covid-19 making more of us have to do things online, online sexual predators are taking advantage of this to find more targets. 

I know that with Covid-19 requiring social distance and schools being closed that parents are overwhelmed with trying to balance it all. Unfortunately, abusers are taking advantage of this overwhelm and becoming more sophisticated in their grooming tactics. This is why it’s even more important that we stay vigilant in protecting our children and teens from online sexual predators. 

What Exactly is Grooming Behaviors?

Grooming behaviors are behaviors that sexual predators use to gain access to their targets. These behaviors frequently start off in an innocent way (at least they seem innocent, the reality is the predator is very skilled at manipulation). The sexual predator focuses on getting to know the child or teen online. They are friendly and initially don’t raise any red flags. They ask questions and share personal details in a way that seems like the two will be connected. The reality is that the predator is assessing for the child’s vulnerabilities. The questions asked are designed for the predator to gather information about the child or teen, and what the abuser is trying to ascertain is the targets desire for connection. Basically they are playing off the targets vulnerabilities.

How Grooming Works

The goal the sexual predator has when using grooming behaviors is to get what they need from their target and to continue having them readily available, easily and without intervention. So the first stage is all about relationship building. As stated before the goal is to get to learn what the child or teens vulnerabilities are, and to use these vulnerabilities to make the child or teen feel special.

During this relationship building phase the child might not notice anything “wrong”. The predator will seem friendly and they are not overtly talking about anything sexual, in this first stage. The goal is really to build the relationship and they do this slowly. 

The second Phase is where the abuser begins to increase access to the target. As the “relationship” progresses the abuser increases contact with the target. They might talk for long periods at one sitting or have more frequent talks during the week. During this time things are usually not amiss and the child or teen most likely won’t have any strange feelings or feel like something is off. In fact they might feel trust and connection with the abuser during this time.

The Third Phase is where the predator starts to introduce sexual materials. Again they are moving slow. They play off the child or teens natural curiosity and invite questions. They may also ask questions. These questions are designed to A) see exactly where the child is at in their curiosity and B) see how open the child is to talking/exploring sex. Based on the child or teens reactions to certain questions or statements the predator will push upon their targets boundaries. As things progress the predator will begin to be more overt, asking the child or teen if they want to see parts of their body, asking the child or teen to show parts of their body off, and they might even have the target bring in a peer and have the two exploring together. In more extreme cases the child or teen will meet with the predator and now we move into human trafficking and prostitution territory. 

The final phase is maintaining the secrecy and maintaining access. This is where the predator moves from being nice and friendly to more overtly threatening and coersive. They will play on the child’s shame and guilt (along with fear) to keep the target going along with the sexual acts. The actual sex acts tend to increase in severity until some outside force stops it (usually through the child disclosing, but at other times the child or teen stops it on their own). 

I know that this can be frightening and scary but it’s important that we as adults understand how these predators act so we know how to defend. 

3 Ways You Can Protect Your Child or Teen From Online Sexual Predators 

Sexual predators are taking advantage of children and teens being home more often to coerce them, therefore it’s even more important as adults to protect our children and teens online. 

1. Communicate: This starts early with your child but the goal is to have open communication between you and your child or teen. You want to teach them the names of their body parts, consent, what is their boundary around touching, how to listen to their bodies (when they feel afraid or something doesn’t feel right), and what they can do about it (come to you for help). Establish yourself as a safe and trusted person for your child or teen. 

2. Normalize Curiosity: All kids are curious about their bodies and sexuality, you want to normalize this. Your goal here is to help your child and teen learn their boundaries. Help them feel ok with their boundaries and to learn about all the amazing things tat their bodies can do. When talking about sex talk about it as an adult activity not something kids should do and never between kids and adults. It’s ok for them to be curious and to ask questions or look for answers but that adults who are not good will take advantage of this. Therefore it’s important to establish who they can to about their bodies and sex as well as appropriate resources that they can use if they have information. 

3. Safe Guard: Setting up boundaries that are both physical and mental. The physical boundaries of website access and safety searches and the mental boundaries around helping your child learn the importance of setting and maintaining their own boundaries about what is and isn’t ok. Set firm guidelines and rules around the internet. If your home has a no social media rule then talk with your child about why this is and why it’s important that your child respects it. Have clear rules around what happens if they break this rule but don’t be naive as well. Assume your child might be on them and continue having talks with them about being safe online and how they can come to you if there is a problem.  

Conclusion:

Child predators use grooming behaviors just like all other sexual abusers, the only difference is that they use more elaborate means to coerce their targets and will often sexually abuse for profit (human trafficking and/or amateur porn sites). This is why it’s even more important that we stay vigilant in protecting our children and teens from these predators.

If you or your child is a survivor of sexual abuse and you want help then schedule your first appointment below to start on your healing journey. 

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