3 Tips to Developing Secure Attachment Between You and Your Baby. Part 1 of 4 of a series diving deep into the Attachment Bond, What It Looks Like and What Type of Attachment Style Do You Have

Attachment is an innate drive that we are all born with just like the drive for self protection. As babies, we are completely dependent on our caregivers for self protection as well as to satisfy our other basic survival needs (shelter, food, etc). Our attachment bond is directly connected with our survival. Attachment is the drive that makes parents/caregivers pay attention to their babies, to attune to their needs, by calming their distress. 

The secure Attachment bond is dependent on the primary caregivers ability to read (attune) and respond to the infant’s cues consistently and predictably over time. As the infant develops and moves into subsequent developmental stages the primary caregiver is able to adapt to these changes and continue attune to their child’s needs.

Attachment As The Foundation of Self Regulation 

When the primary caregiver is able to respond effectively to their babies cues in a nurturing way, neurochemicals are released (both in baby and also in the mother/parent/caregiver) that strengthen the neuronal pathways that promote self regulation, a sense safety, and bonding. 

Secure attachment helps the child learn how to cope and manage stressful situations and this is the foundation of resilience. 

Until we are big enough to protect ourselves we rely on the (bigger) adults in our lives to protect us. This is the feeling of safety that we all need and continue to express the need to feel even in our adult relationships. There is physical safety and there is emotional safety. Just because a parent can provide a child with physical safety doesn’t mean they know how to keep their child emotionally safe-that is be attuned to their feelings and feel comfortable enough with their chid expressing their feelings and desires. To see their child as a separate being from them who has their own preferences for things.

Secure attachment is not about being 100% perfectly attuned at every waking hour. In fact it’s impossible! Sometimes parents are tired, stressed, overwhelmed, or just not in sync with their child. Secure Attachment is about being “good enough”, a term coined by Donald Winnicott, that basically means you’re attempting to connect and attune but that sometimes you might miss the mark and that’s ok. It may surprise you that for the most part the parent/primary caregiver and infant are in sync only around 20-30% of the time (according to Dr. Ed Tronick a pioneer in Attachment work).

Why Is Secure Attachment Important

Not only does secure attachment set the foundation for our future relationships but it’s also mirror for which we determine our own self worth. Again think about it on a basic level. As a baby you cry. Maybe it’s because you’re cold or because you’re hungry.  You’re in distress and uncomfortable. Your parent/caregiver responds to this cry by feeding you or wrapping you up. The distress is gone and you feel cared for. A sense of trust and safety begin to emerge when baby cries and the parent responds to this cry to alleviate the distress. This nurturance and caring makes you feel like you matter. That you are worthy of love and attention. As the baby grows and develops, increasing separation the parent supports them on this journey. When the toddler begins to talk and express themselves how does the parent respond? Do they allow their child to express their emotions or desires or is it immediately shut down? It’s a lot easier to for parents to comfort and soothe their infants than to not feel threatened or upset when their toddler begins to express their big emotions. This is where a lot of attachment ruptures happen, as parents/caregivers try to cope with their own feelings about their toddlers development. 

Secure Attachment Between Parent & Child

-Parents do not hit, shake, yell, etc at their baby when they are upset

-Parents engage with their baby by making eye contact, playing, talking, snuggling, etc. When the baby becomes upset the parent will stop and attempt to do something else to ease this distress. Even if they become upset or frustrated they do not frighten or harm their baby/toddler

-The baby/toddler feels safe with their parent/caregiver. As they become mobile and explore the world they will look back and check with their caregiver to make sure they are there and continue on exploring. 

-Toddler/Child may cry or show other signs of distress when the parent leaves but can be soothed by another caring adult. Upon return the child is happy

-The baby/toddler/child appears to be happy when in the prescience of their parent/caregiver

The Securely Attached Adult

-High self-esteem and self worth

-Seek out social support when they need it

-Long term lasting (healthy) relationships

-Seeking connection not out of fear or rejection but out of the natural desire and drive to bond and connect

-Expression of emotions appropriately 

-The ability to self soothe or self regulate

-Feeling safe and secure within themselves and others

-Curiosity and exploration of the world

What A Securely Attached Relationship Between Adults Looks and Feels Like

-You feel comfortable in your relationship

-You feel emotionally as well as physically safe in your relationship with your partner

-You might feel nervous or anxious at times but this should not be a constant feeling throughout your relationship

-You do not fear separations-meaning time spent apart from each other. When your partner goes to work, spends time with friends, or even chooses to go out of town for the weekend alone you will miss them but you won’t feel abandoned by them.

-When there are conflicts you are able to work through them with little fear or anxiety-and if it’s present it’s normal fear around not wanting to hurt someones feelings not that they will leave or harm you

-You feel trust and cared for by your partner and sub sequentially you trust and care for your partner

-Your interactions are colored with joy not anxiety or fear

3 Tips for Parents on Developing a Secure Attachment With Your Child

#1 Respond to your baby when they cry. Sometimes they are hungry, sometimes they are afraid, and sometimes they want to play. It’s up to you to read the cues and attempt alleviate their distress. If you get it wrong the first time keep on trying until you get it right 

#2 Manage your own Stress levels. Babies take a lot out of you emotionally and physically so take care of yourself. Get connected to community or friends if you do not have family support, so you can have a break. Take deep breathes and try to soothe your own body when your feeling frustrated so you don’t scream or shake your baby because you’re overwhelmed 

#3 Learn your baby cues and grow accordingly. As your baby grows and develops they will want to explore their environment Encourage them to explore while remaining nearby to support them when they become scared or overwhelmed. Follow their lead and enjoy watching them see the world for the first time. Manage your own fears, anxieties and sadness that comes along as your baby transitions between developmental stages. You don’t want them to take on your fears and anxieties as they grow.

Conclusion: 

Secure attachment is not about perfectionism but its about a safe and nurturing bond (connection) with another. This starts out when we are babies with our primary caregivers and then extends to our peer relationships. Secure attachment helps children reach their individual developmental potential and has lasting emotional and physical health benefits. Stay tuned for Part 2 where I will talk about Insecure Attachment.

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Predators use manipulation in order to gain the trust of their targets. These manipulation tactics are globally known as grooming behaviors. Grooming behaviors are designed to make the target of the abuse feel “special”, build trust, and have access to the target fairly easily. Most people who sexually abuse children, use children that they know all ready. This often includes family members, family friends, other children, and people like coaches or religious figures. These folks tend to all ready be embeded in the family system, which makes the grooming a lot easier. But there are other predators who start out as strangers to your child and also to you. They come in through the internet and unfortunately with Covid-19 making more of us have to do things online, online sexual predators are taking advantage of this to find more targets. 

I know that with Covid-19 requiring social distance and schools being closed that parents are overwhelmed with trying to balance it all. Unfortunately, abusers are taking advantage of this overwhelm and becoming more sophisticated in their grooming tactics. This is why it’s even more important that we stay vigilant in protecting our children and teens from online sexual predators. 

What Exactly is Grooming Behaviors?

Grooming behaviors are behaviors that sexual predators use to gain access to their targets. These behaviors frequently start off in an innocent way (at least they seem innocent, the reality is the predator is very skilled at manipulation). The sexual predator focuses on getting to know the child or teen online. They are friendly and initially don’t raise any red flags. They ask questions and share personal details in a way that seems like the two will be connected. The reality is that the predator is assessing for the child’s vulnerabilities. The questions asked are designed for the predator to gather information about the child or teen, and what the abuser is trying to ascertain is the targets desire for connection. Basically they are playing off the targets vulnerabilities.

How Grooming Works

The goal the sexual predator has when using grooming behaviors is to get what they need from their target and to continue having them readily available, easily and without intervention. So the first stage is all about relationship building. As stated before the goal is to get to learn what the child or teens vulnerabilities are, and to use these vulnerabilities to make the child or teen feel special.

During this relationship building phase the child might not notice anything “wrong”. The predator will seem friendly and they are not overtly talking about anything sexual, in this first stage. The goal is really to build the relationship and they do this slowly. 

The second Phase is where the abuser begins to increase access to the target. As the “relationship” progresses the abuser increases contact with the target. They might talk for long periods at one sitting or have more frequent talks during the week. During this time things are usually not amiss and the child or teen most likely won’t have any strange feelings or feel like something is off. In fact they might feel trust and connection with the abuser during this time.

The Third Phase is where the predator starts to introduce sexual materials. Again they are moving slow. They play off the child or teens natural curiosity and invite questions. They may also ask questions. These questions are designed to A) see exactly where the child is at in their curiosity and B) see how open the child is to talking/exploring sex. Based on the child or teens reactions to certain questions or statements the predator will push upon their targets boundaries. As things progress the predator will begin to be more overt, asking the child or teen if they want to see parts of their body, asking the child or teen to show parts of their body off, and they might even have the target bring in a peer and have the two exploring together. In more extreme cases the child or teen will meet with the predator and now we move into human trafficking and prostitution territory. 

The final phase is maintaining the secrecy and maintaining access. This is where the predator moves from being nice and friendly to more overtly threatening and coersive. They will play on the child’s shame and guilt (along with fear) to keep the target going along with the sexual acts. The actual sex acts tend to increase in severity until some outside force stops it (usually through the child disclosing, but at other times the child or teen stops it on their own). 

I know that this can be frightening and scary but it’s important that we as adults understand how these predators act so we know how to defend. 

3 Ways You Can Protect Your Child or Teen From Online Sexual Predators 

Sexual predators are taking advantage of children and teens being home more often to coerce them, therefore it’s even more important as adults to protect our children and teens online. 

1. Communicate: This starts early with your child but the goal is to have open communication between you and your child or teen. You want to teach them the names of their body parts, consent, what is their boundary around touching, how to listen to their bodies (when they feel afraid or something doesn’t feel right), and what they can do about it (come to you for help). Establish yourself as a safe and trusted person for your child or teen. 

2. Normalize Curiosity: All kids are curious about their bodies and sexuality, you want to normalize this. Your goal here is to help your child and teen learn their boundaries. Help them feel ok with their boundaries and to learn about all the amazing things tat their bodies can do. When talking about sex talk about it as an adult activity not something kids should do and never between kids and adults. It’s ok for them to be curious and to ask questions or look for answers but that adults who are not good will take advantage of this. Therefore it’s important to establish who they can to about their bodies and sex as well as appropriate resources that they can use if they have information. 

3. Safe Guard: Setting up boundaries that are both physical and mental. The physical boundaries of website access and safety searches and the mental boundaries around helping your child learn the importance of setting and maintaining their own boundaries about what is and isn’t ok. Set firm guidelines and rules around the internet. If your home has a no social media rule then talk with your child about why this is and why it’s important that your child respects it. Have clear rules around what happens if they break this rule but don’t be naive as well. Assume your child might be on them and continue having talks with them about being safe online and how they can come to you if there is a problem.  

Conclusion:

Child predators use grooming behaviors just like all other sexual abusers, the only difference is that they use more elaborate means to coerce their targets and will often sexually abuse for profit (human trafficking and/or amateur porn sites). This is why it’s even more important that we stay vigilant in protecting our children and teens from these predators.

If you or your child is a survivor of sexual abuse and you want help then schedule your first appointment below to start on your healing journey. 

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