4 Tips for Healing From Your Anxious-Ambivalent Attachment So You Can Find Peace, Relief, and Joy in Your Relationships

Anxious-Ambivalent  Attachment

Anxious-Ambivalent attachment is a common type of insecure attachment were the individuals natural drive for connection is fueled by anxiety and fear. They feel fear that the object of their attachment is going to abandon them, and this causes anxiety. Individuals with an anxious-ambivalent attachment style are constantly striving for the attention of the object of their attachment as they are anxiously awaiting  for the person to leave (this is their belief that separations=loss of love or abandonment). 

Anxious-Ambivalent attachment, like all attachment, begins to take shape during those critical first 5 years of child’s life. It develops as a result of parents inconsistent interactions with their babies/toddlers. Remember the brain craves routine. Routines decrease anxiety because it helps anticipate what will come next (predictability). When a baby cries and the parent/caregiver comes to comfort the babies distress, repeatedly, the baby learns to depend on their parent/caregiver. They learn to rely on them and they can predict that in times of distress relief will come from their parent/caregiver. This is the foundation for secure attachment. 

But what happens when the baby cries and the parent/caregiver only sometimes comes to comfort the baby? What if when the baby is signaling to their parent that they want attention (smiling, cooing, etc) and yet they get nothing in return or its in a short burst that is left unsatisfying? How about for the toddler who attempts to initiate engagement with the parent/caregiver and is ignored but then when the parent/caregiver wants to engage and the toddler doesn’t but is forced to any way? 

The above examples are just some common examples of how anxious-ambivalent attachment is developed. It’s not just inconsistent parenting, but its misattunement as the parent/caregiver vacillates between being intrusive and ignoring. In the above scenarios the parent/caregiver is not meeting the child’s needs but is actually only attuning to their (parent/caregivers) own needs. They are interacting with heir baby/toddler on their own terms, while also ignoring their babies/toddlers attempts to have their attention (which is NORMAL). The result is a kind of push/pull interaction that leaves the child struggling to understand how to keep their parent/caregiver close at all costs not because they are seeking that connection but because they fear the loss of the connection. (One is positive and activates the reward mechanism making a person feel loved and cared for while the other causes distress, fear, and anxiety) The Stress Response System (the self protection mechanism) gets activated in these moments as the natural reward mechanism of attachment is unavailable and all that is left is a state of fight or flight. You can actually see this during interactions between parent/caregiver and child upon reunions after separations. The child may run away or hit their parent/caregiver when they reunite, while they also may cling to them in the next instant. They are essentially state of confusion as they don’t know what to expect from the parent/caregiver. 

Anxious-Ambivalent Between Parent & Child

-Clinginess from child to parent

-Child constantly trying to get the parent/caregivers attention but they are ignored or dismissed/rejected

-Tantrums/difficulty being soothed 

-Fear of their parents/caregivers when their parents do try to engage or interact with them

The Anxious-Ambivalent Adult

-Has a long history of difficulties with interpersonal relationships with romantic partners

-Clinginess

-Low self esteem/self worth

-Higher levels of Anxiety

-Feeling unworthy of love

-Loose boundaries with others/difficulty with saying “no”

-Irrational fears and catastrophizing 

-Constant feelings that you are not good enough

-Needing constant reassurance

What Anxious-Ambivalent Attached Relationship Between Adults Looks and Feels Like

-Constant fear of their partner leaving

-Constantly seeking reassurance from their partners or even friends that they won’t leave them

-Nothing their partner does seems to be enough

-A sense of panic when there are long separations from their partners (ie a partner going out of town for fun or work)

-Clinginess 

-Difficulties with self regulation and relying on their partner to regulate them (ie anger outbursts, self harming types of behaviors/threats, etc)

-Lack of boundaries-putting their own needs and desire aside always for fear of upsetting  their partner (and therefore causing their partner to leave)

4 Tips for Healing From Your Anxious-Ambivalent Attachment So You Can Find Peace, Relief, and Joy in Your Relationships

#1 Focus on yourself and your inner child. We all have something we are struggling with. Some vulnerabilities or unhealed wounds from our childhoods. As adults we recreate our attachment relationships with intimate partners and close friends. Often in our times of “freaking out”our inner child is screaming for something that it needs. With Anxious attachment this need is to feel loved, cared for, nurtured, and like we matter, the whole of us. When you start your healing journey the adult you needs to provide what your inner child with the love and reassurance that you didn’t get from your parents/caregivers rather than relying on others for that message. Start off by creating a list of the positive things that make you who you are. The things you like about yourself. Create affirmations around these and say them daily, especially when triggered.

#2 Increase your ability to self regulate. Utilize grounding techniques and mindfulness techniques to manage your intense emotions. Slow yourself down and redirect that energy. This could be removing yourself physically from a situation by going for a walk, occupying your hands with a fidget toy, self massage of your arms or head, etc. Also remember that having emotions are ok. The emotions are not bad but it’s how you respond to your emotions and to others in those moments that often cause trouble. 

#3 Identify your triggers. Get curious about what triggers you and create a list. You will know its a trigger when you feel a sudden urge or impulse to do or say something while at the same time feeling kind of panicked or even overwhelmed. When this happens stop yourself and do #2. Once you’re calm go back and think about what happened in that moment. What was said? What was done? Ask yourself what about that interaction made you suddenly feel defensive or afraid. 

#4 Don’t react, respond. Fueled by your anxiety and fear the Stress Response System kicks in and no your fighting or fleeing. This pattern serves only to push your partner away rather than keep them close. You have to get a hold of yourself by using the steps above to curb this impulse. When you’re in a calmer state you can think about what it is that you’re really needing and if your partner is actually meeting your needs in a different way. Learn to be open and flexible. Your love language may be verbal while your partners is action based. Finally your need to be constantly reassured is exhausting and can make your partner feel like you don’t trust them, so you need to reassure yourself (see tip #1).

Conclusion: Anxious-Ambivalent attachment is a type of insecure attachment that affects many of us. We are driven here by need for love and connection while also fearing loss and abandonment. With our clingy and constant need to be reassured behaviors, our loved ones quickly become exasperated and end up doing what we fear they will do. Leave!. By using the above 4 tips you’re not only learning how to manage your own reactions but also how to take care of yourself and internalize positive messages about your self worth. 

Are you constantly feeling alone no matter how many people are around you and despite having many friends? Let’s get to the bottom of this and alleviate your loneliness. Schedule your first session today.

Predators use manipulation in order to gain the trust of their targets. These manipulation tactics are globally known as grooming behaviors. Grooming behaviors are designed to make the target of the abuse feel “special”, build trust, and have access to the target fairly easily. Most people who sexually abuse children, use children that they know all ready. This often includes family members, family friends, other children, and people like coaches or religious figures. These folks tend to all ready be embeded in the family system, which makes the grooming a lot easier. But there are other predators who start out as strangers to your child and also to you. They come in through the internet and unfortunately with Covid-19 making more of us have to do things online, online sexual predators are taking advantage of this to find more targets. 

I know that with Covid-19 requiring social distance and schools being closed that parents are overwhelmed with trying to balance it all. Unfortunately, abusers are taking advantage of this overwhelm and becoming more sophisticated in their grooming tactics. This is why it’s even more important that we stay vigilant in protecting our children and teens from online sexual predators. 

What Exactly is Grooming Behaviors?

Grooming behaviors are behaviors that sexual predators use to gain access to their targets. These behaviors frequently start off in an innocent way (at least they seem innocent, the reality is the predator is very skilled at manipulation). The sexual predator focuses on getting to know the child or teen online. They are friendly and initially don’t raise any red flags. They ask questions and share personal details in a way that seems like the two will be connected. The reality is that the predator is assessing for the child’s vulnerabilities. The questions asked are designed for the predator to gather information about the child or teen, and what the abuser is trying to ascertain is the targets desire for connection. Basically they are playing off the targets vulnerabilities.

How Grooming Works

The goal the sexual predator has when using grooming behaviors is to get what they need from their target and to continue having them readily available, easily and without intervention. So the first stage is all about relationship building. As stated before the goal is to get to learn what the child or teens vulnerabilities are, and to use these vulnerabilities to make the child or teen feel special.

During this relationship building phase the child might not notice anything “wrong”. The predator will seem friendly and they are not overtly talking about anything sexual, in this first stage. The goal is really to build the relationship and they do this slowly. 

The second Phase is where the abuser begins to increase access to the target. As the “relationship” progresses the abuser increases contact with the target. They might talk for long periods at one sitting or have more frequent talks during the week. During this time things are usually not amiss and the child or teen most likely won’t have any strange feelings or feel like something is off. In fact they might feel trust and connection with the abuser during this time.

The Third Phase is where the predator starts to introduce sexual materials. Again they are moving slow. They play off the child or teens natural curiosity and invite questions. They may also ask questions. These questions are designed to A) see exactly where the child is at in their curiosity and B) see how open the child is to talking/exploring sex. Based on the child or teens reactions to certain questions or statements the predator will push upon their targets boundaries. As things progress the predator will begin to be more overt, asking the child or teen if they want to see parts of their body, asking the child or teen to show parts of their body off, and they might even have the target bring in a peer and have the two exploring together. In more extreme cases the child or teen will meet with the predator and now we move into human trafficking and prostitution territory. 

The final phase is maintaining the secrecy and maintaining access. This is where the predator moves from being nice and friendly to more overtly threatening and coersive. They will play on the child’s shame and guilt (along with fear) to keep the target going along with the sexual acts. The actual sex acts tend to increase in severity until some outside force stops it (usually through the child disclosing, but at other times the child or teen stops it on their own). 

I know that this can be frightening and scary but it’s important that we as adults understand how these predators act so we know how to defend. 

3 Ways You Can Protect Your Child or Teen From Online Sexual Predators 

Sexual predators are taking advantage of children and teens being home more often to coerce them, therefore it’s even more important as adults to protect our children and teens online. 

1. Communicate: This starts early with your child but the goal is to have open communication between you and your child or teen. You want to teach them the names of their body parts, consent, what is their boundary around touching, how to listen to their bodies (when they feel afraid or something doesn’t feel right), and what they can do about it (come to you for help). Establish yourself as a safe and trusted person for your child or teen. 

2. Normalize Curiosity: All kids are curious about their bodies and sexuality, you want to normalize this. Your goal here is to help your child and teen learn their boundaries. Help them feel ok with their boundaries and to learn about all the amazing things tat their bodies can do. When talking about sex talk about it as an adult activity not something kids should do and never between kids and adults. It’s ok for them to be curious and to ask questions or look for answers but that adults who are not good will take advantage of this. Therefore it’s important to establish who they can to about their bodies and sex as well as appropriate resources that they can use if they have information. 

3. Safe Guard: Setting up boundaries that are both physical and mental. The physical boundaries of website access and safety searches and the mental boundaries around helping your child learn the importance of setting and maintaining their own boundaries about what is and isn’t ok. Set firm guidelines and rules around the internet. If your home has a no social media rule then talk with your child about why this is and why it’s important that your child respects it. Have clear rules around what happens if they break this rule but don’t be naive as well. Assume your child might be on them and continue having talks with them about being safe online and how they can come to you if there is a problem.  

Conclusion:

Child predators use grooming behaviors just like all other sexual abusers, the only difference is that they use more elaborate means to coerce their targets and will often sexually abuse for profit (human trafficking and/or amateur porn sites). This is why it’s even more important that we stay vigilant in protecting our children and teens from these predators.

If you or your child is a survivor of sexual abuse and you want help then schedule your first appointment below to start on your healing journey. 

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