[Trigger Warning in this Post]

[In this blog I talk about child sexual abuse and what draws the abuser in, so please be advised before reading it]

How Covid-19 May Increase the Incidents of Child Sexual Abuse and 4 Ways You Can Protect Your Child

The Corona Virus or Covid-19 has up ended all of our lives. Many of us are out of our routines and are doing things differently than we have maybe ever done before. For many, the ability to separate work from home has diminished as we are working from home. Some of us have children at home while we try to work which also makes things a whole lot more tricky. No matter where you are right now, you’re experiencing the effects of Covid-19.  

With Covid-19 and shelters being implemented so that people cannot leave their homes and schools being closed this means that abusers have more access to children that they want to victimize. Not only are children spending more time at home but so are parents who might be the very ones abusing their children. With universities closing down and moving online those adult children who might abuse children are moving back home with younger siblings and now they have access. For other family constellations maybe a cousin or friend has lost their jobs or their homes and they are now living with you. But they are a sexual predator and now they have easy access to your child.

 

Covid-19 and It’s Lasting Impacts

The impacts of Covid-19 are far reaching right now and who knows about the future. Every day we receive new and sometimes competing information. We want to know what is going on so we can feel in control and so we can adjust. But what we are living in, is a lot of the unknown. All of this unknown has made us all a little more on edge. As our stress response systems kick into high gear ready to protect us from the threats of these times our ability to think and plan for the future as well as regulate our emotions is becoming more of a challenge. The result is an increase in domestic abuse incidents. But what about abuse towards children, specifically child sexual abuse. 

We know that when parents have high amounts of stress and difficulty with managing their emotions there is a correlation with this and acts of physical abuse towards their children. When the stress becomes unmanageable (out of ones window of tolerance) our ability to use our cortex to effectively do its job diminishes as we spend a lot more time in lower parts of our brain (the limbic system and brainstem). Effectively we are highly emotional (limbic) and reflexive ( brainstem) in our actions. 

This behavior can be seen in those who sexually abuse children as well, with the added and difficult to comprehend piece of sexual arousal. Acts of sexual violence are about a play between power, fear, and desire which lead to sexual arousal. I know its gross! But this is what is happening inside  the mind of a perpetrator. Many know that it is wrong and yet they do it any way. Some are able to stop and never act on their impulses but when times are hard this ability to not response to these impulses diminishes. Furthermore, for many people in general sex can be a temporary release from the built up tension and acts as a temporary stress reliever. For abusers they often use sex (abuse) of children in the same way.  

Child Sexual Abuse Is a Major Problem 

Child sexual abuse is a very real problem all over the world, with most stats stating that 1-3 girls and 1-5 boys will be sexually abused at some point during their childhood. This is a staggering number and doesn’t even account for those who never report, so it could be far more. 

Abusers often pick children who are vulnerable and those they have easy access to. This most often means people who reside within the family home  such as parents but also other adults, teens and older siblings. Family members in general are more likely to abuse within their family. This also includes extended family such as grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Finally we begin to look outside the home with family friends (again adults, teens, or older children) as well as coaches, religious figures (priests, ministers, rabbi’s, etc), teachers, and mentors. I also want to add, especially with Covid-19 and shelter in places that predators are even more vigilant about finding children online using grooming behaviors. I’ll be writing a separate blog about that but I still wanted to list them as they are a big problem in the world of child sexual abuse. 

Moreover, like I said at the start of this blog, with increased stress comes intense feelings and more challenges with managing impulses. An abuser may have urges but if they are not around children it’s easer to resist the urge. With minimal amounts of stress or stress that’s manageable they can curb their desire or at least their desire to act on said desire. For others the fear and helplessness around Covid-19 and with it, for many, financial problems, turns to anger. With this anger many abusers often act out their anger through sexual violence toward others, particularly children.  I don’t want to frighten you but I also want you to be vigilant and to notice what it is that predators are looking for and just why child sexual abuse incidents may rise.

4 Ways You Can Protect Your Child Sexual Abuse During Covid-19 and Beyond

With Covid-19 impacting all of our lives in so many different ways I wanted to speak out about my concerns about an increase in child sexual abuse incidents. It’s important that we as adults who want to ensure the safety of children are aware of why abusers prey on children and how they go about choosing their targets. 

So now that we know a little about why there might be an increase in child sexual abuse incidents let us talk about how we can protect our children.

1. Be vigilant. Please be thoughtful about who you allow your child to be around. Not everyone has the right to your child and in these times I want you to be even more vigilant. I understand that maybe you have compassion for that cousin who lost their job but is this someone who is safe to be around your child? Ask yourself that question, “is this person safe for my child to be around?”  

2.  Be a safe person for your child. This means being the person that your child feels like they can go to even when things are hard. You can facilitate this by modeling how you mange your own stress, listening to your child when they do open up and talk about things, and validating their feelings. 

3. Communicate. Have regular non intrusive conversations with your child where there is a free flowing exchange of thoughts and feelings. This way if you suspect something is going on and you ask your child the conversation will feel normal and not intrusive, thus making it more likely that your child will disclose. Especially if you are established by your child as a safe person.

4. Teach your child about consent and trusting their own instincts. Teaching consent can be done in every day interactions. Something as simple as “can I give you a hug you seem sad” or “is it ok if I come in your room” (if the door is shut) are ways that you show your child that you respect their bodies and their space. You can then reinforce this by having more direct conversations about how no one has the right to their body without permission and how if someone does something to their body that does feel right they are protecting themselves by telling the person “no” and coming to you or another trusted adult for help. I want to add that you want to also share that they (the child) did not do anything wrong if someone has touched them but it was the person who did the touching (or showing of pictures) that was wrong. 

In helping them understand their instincts you can talk about listening to their bodies and how certain sensations usually alert us that something is wrong. Heart beating fast, a pit in our stomach, etc. Use your own experiences to help with this and in your day to day interactions just weave in listening to your body into normal conversation. “Your rubbing your stomach are you ok? Does it hurt? I noticed that when we were watching a movie and that scary thing happened you grabbed your stomach what were you feeling in your stomach.” You want to get curious when talking about about body sensations not accusatory or threatening. 

Conclusion: Child sexual abuse has always been a major issue but with the pandemic occurring I worry that incidents will be on the rise. Although, we as adults are going through a lot during these times we must still be vigilant about protecting children. This means that we have to be careful who we allow to be in our children’s lives, whether in person or online. Sexual abuse doesn’t just include physical acts but also non physical acts. Children can still be impacted into adulthood by interactions they’ve had by adults who sought sexual gratification through force and intimidation. So please continue to stay vigilant and protect your child. 

 If you are concerned that your child his being sexually abused please contact child protective services in your area and eliminate access to your child by the abuser. 

Predators use manipulation in order to gain the trust of their targets. These manipulation tactics are globally known as grooming behaviors. Grooming behaviors are designed to make the target of the abuse feel “special”, build trust, and have access to the target fairly easily. Most people who sexually abuse children, use children that they know all ready. This often includes family members, family friends, other children, and people like coaches or religious figures. These folks tend to all ready be embeded in the family system, which makes the grooming a lot easier. But there are other predators who start out as strangers to your child and also to you. They come in through the internet and unfortunately with Covid-19 making more of us have to do things online, online sexual predators are taking advantage of this to find more targets. 

I know that with Covid-19 requiring social distance and schools being closed that parents are overwhelmed with trying to balance it all. Unfortunately, abusers are taking advantage of this overwhelm and becoming more sophisticated in their grooming tactics. This is why it’s even more important that we stay vigilant in protecting our children and teens from online sexual predators. 

What Exactly is Grooming Behaviors?

Grooming behaviors are behaviors that sexual predators use to gain access to their targets. These behaviors frequently start off in an innocent way (at least they seem innocent, the reality is the predator is very skilled at manipulation). The sexual predator focuses on getting to know the child or teen online. They are friendly and initially don’t raise any red flags. They ask questions and share personal details in a way that seems like the two will be connected. The reality is that the predator is assessing for the child’s vulnerabilities. The questions asked are designed for the predator to gather information about the child or teen, and what the abuser is trying to ascertain is the targets desire for connection. Basically they are playing off the targets vulnerabilities.

How Grooming Works

The goal the sexual predator has when using grooming behaviors is to get what they need from their target and to continue having them readily available, easily and without intervention. So the first stage is all about relationship building. As stated before the goal is to get to learn what the child or teens vulnerabilities are, and to use these vulnerabilities to make the child or teen feel special.

During this relationship building phase the child might not notice anything “wrong”. The predator will seem friendly and they are not overtly talking about anything sexual, in this first stage. The goal is really to build the relationship and they do this slowly. 

The second Phase is where the abuser begins to increase access to the target. As the “relationship” progresses the abuser increases contact with the target. They might talk for long periods at one sitting or have more frequent talks during the week. During this time things are usually not amiss and the child or teen most likely won’t have any strange feelings or feel like something is off. In fact they might feel trust and connection with the abuser during this time.

The Third Phase is where the predator starts to introduce sexual materials. Again they are moving slow. They play off the child or teens natural curiosity and invite questions. They may also ask questions. These questions are designed to A) see exactly where the child is at in their curiosity and B) see how open the child is to talking/exploring sex. Based on the child or teens reactions to certain questions or statements the predator will push upon their targets boundaries. As things progress the predator will begin to be more overt, asking the child or teen if they want to see parts of their body, asking the child or teen to show parts of their body off, and they might even have the target bring in a peer and have the two exploring together. In more extreme cases the child or teen will meet with the predator and now we move into human trafficking and prostitution territory. 

The final phase is maintaining the secrecy and maintaining access. This is where the predator moves from being nice and friendly to more overtly threatening and coersive. They will play on the child’s shame and guilt (along with fear) to keep the target going along with the sexual acts. The actual sex acts tend to increase in severity until some outside force stops it (usually through the child disclosing, but at other times the child or teen stops it on their own). 

I know that this can be frightening and scary but it’s important that we as adults understand how these predators act so we know how to defend. 

3 Ways You Can Protect Your Child or Teen From Online Sexual Predators 

Sexual predators are taking advantage of children and teens being home more often to coerce them, therefore it’s even more important as adults to protect our children and teens online. 

1. Communicate: This starts early with your child but the goal is to have open communication between you and your child or teen. You want to teach them the names of their body parts, consent, what is their boundary around touching, how to listen to their bodies (when they feel afraid or something doesn’t feel right), and what they can do about it (come to you for help). Establish yourself as a safe and trusted person for your child or teen. 

2. Normalize Curiosity: All kids are curious about their bodies and sexuality, you want to normalize this. Your goal here is to help your child and teen learn their boundaries. Help them feel ok with their boundaries and to learn about all the amazing things tat their bodies can do. When talking about sex talk about it as an adult activity not something kids should do and never between kids and adults. It’s ok for them to be curious and to ask questions or look for answers but that adults who are not good will take advantage of this. Therefore it’s important to establish who they can to about their bodies and sex as well as appropriate resources that they can use if they have information. 

3. Safe Guard: Setting up boundaries that are both physical and mental. The physical boundaries of website access and safety searches and the mental boundaries around helping your child learn the importance of setting and maintaining their own boundaries about what is and isn’t ok. Set firm guidelines and rules around the internet. If your home has a no social media rule then talk with your child about why this is and why it’s important that your child respects it. Have clear rules around what happens if they break this rule but don’t be naive as well. Assume your child might be on them and continue having talks with them about being safe online and how they can come to you if there is a problem.  

Conclusion:

Child predators use grooming behaviors just like all other sexual abusers, the only difference is that they use more elaborate means to coerce their targets and will often sexually abuse for profit (human trafficking and/or amateur porn sites). This is why it’s even more important that we stay vigilant in protecting our children and teens from these predators.

If you or your child is a survivor of sexual abuse and you want help then schedule your first appointment below to start on your healing journey. 

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