Life Update! Where Have I been? Tips for Overcoming Failure
So I’m back, I think I’m back. I’m trying to come back. Hello old readers and welcome to the new readers. If you don’t know me, I am Chana Ceasar formerly my name was Jessica Lang but I changed it to Chana (pronounced Ha-Na) in 2023. If you want to learn more about my name change you can read about it here.
In today’s blog I just want to give you all an update about where I have been over the past couple years. Explain why I stopped blogging and creating and to share some things I have learned to help me get back into two things I really love doing.
The Beginning
So, I opened up my private practice soon after I became licensed in 2015 and part of my private practice was creating content such as worksheets and blogs. I’ve always loved writing, even as a child I would write stories (I kick myself all the time for throwing away those notebooks in my 20’s). Any way I found writing to be a fun and creative outlet where I could share my thoughts and ideas. Later on it helped me share what I had learned over the years as a therapist from different trainings and sessions with clients. I knew I could help more people through the content I created and it was really rewarding.
Soon after I started my private practice I moved to Israel. I always knew I would move abroad, and had actually been preparing to move to France, beforehand. I love traveling and being in other parts of the world. I enjoy experiencing other languages, history, food, and cultures. Getting lost in a city is a good time for me. So the plan was for me to move to France.
Yet, when an opportunity for me to take my first trip to Israel arouse, I said yes. I didn’t know anything about the country and had never even thought about traveling there. But after spending about 2 weeks in the country, visiting different cities and making new friends (and reconnecting with an old friend), I changed my mind about France and was on to Israel. What can I say I fell in love with
the food, weather, the Israeli attitude, the diversity, the languages (especially in Tel Aviv where there are people form all over speaking all these cool languages), the history, the architecture, etc.
So I decided that’s it, I’m making Aliyah. Making Aliyah is when Jews immigrate to Israel and become citizens. I know in todays climate this is an unpopular topic of conversation and I’m not here for the politics, just telling you a little about myself and about Israel.
So I made Aliyah, in 2016, soon after achieving the biggest dream I had at the time-getting licensed as a therapist. I had a whole plan, I’m a Capricorn we love planning and making our ambitious dreams come true. I saved up money, tried to learn Hebrew, and moved to Israel. For a little less than 2 years, I worked at an English speaking Gan (preschool) while working on building my private practice. Doing therapy online well before Covid, was a big challenge. There wasn’t really a market for it at the time and there were very few of us were doing this at the time. This was one of the bigger challenges I faced, working full time 4 days a week, one half day, and then I had two days off, one being shabbat (Friday night-Saturday night) the other Tuesday-which was the day I saw clients.
On that one day a week I would do my errands and see clients early in the morning and create content throughout the day and then the rest of the days I was at the gan. I routinely got sick and was tired all the time, because working with 1 years olds is not for the faint of heart. I tried so many things to try to grow my business but it was really slow going and I just couldn’t make it happen. I felt like a failure. I ended up moving back to the US and working at a big name hospital as a contractor.
My Failure
As a 35 y/o a the time this felt like the biggest failure of my life. All the negative thought cognitions were swirling around in my head and I hadn’t trained in Somatic Experiencing yet so I had no idea how to deal with the emotions I had that were coming up (yay for defending against emotions I guess). I didn’t even know how to reach out for help or even what help I actually needed. I just did what I always did at the time and stuffed down my feelings and turned to problem solving.
I applied for different jobs and worked in different places as a therapist. And nothing, at least for me, was ever as rewarding as the freedom of having my own business, though it was always really hard for me. And then that big name hospital went on another strike and I signed up for it. It was suppose to be for 3 months, and it turned into an a year gig. I worked 8 hour days, 5 days a week, while also maintaining a small private practice caseload. I was exhausted all the time and just did not feel the creative spark.
Once the assignment ended I went back into private practice full time and used this time to also do some trainings and certifications, such as the NAPA Infant-Parent Mental Health Fellowship which expanded my knowledge on the the 0-5 y/o population and I also started training in Somatic experiencing.
It was nice to have the freedom and flexibility again to build my private practice, which I did, but my creative spark was gone. I don’t know where it went, but it was gone. What’s strange is that here and there I was creating some things, but I didn’t edit or post them. Something was just missing. So this is when I had to do some real soul searching.
Defended Emotions and Being Vulnerable
Now for some vulnerability. I realized that I hadn’t actually ever dealt with my feelings of being a failure. It wasn’t that I didn’t have a creative spark it was that I was afraid to put myself out there and try again. I had become afraid to fail. To make mistakes or mess up. Even though I have largely rebounded from my first time in Israel, having to move back because of finances and a slow business, I was afraid it would all happen again. I was one mistake away from what I had rebuilt to come crashing down.
Here’s where my somatic experiencing (SE), and a really good friend who is also an SE practitioner come into play. I realized I was defended against emotions. This means that its pretty hard for me to stay present and in my body when I am experiencing an emotion. I’m ok with other people have emotions, that I do very well (I mean I am a therapist after all). But my own emotions, oh no I can’t be with those. It’s too uncomfortable and my brain automatically goes to problem solving mode. How do I fix this problem?
But see when you experience a big failure, especially in something thats really important to you, like for me it was my career, having such a huge set back felt really bad. There was sadness, grief, fear, and anxiety. There is also a loss of a sense of self, purpose, and/or identity. But I didn’t realize that was happening. Those defenses were strong, and instead I just thought I was blocked or I didn’t really want to do that any more, or I was too tired, or I had nothing to say, etc etc.
But when I actually slowed myself down and really reflected I realized how much fear and grief was just stuck. So I did the work (it’s on going) to feel those feelings when they come up and not jump into problem solving mode. Instead I make space for them, offer loving compassion towards myself, get up and go for a walk, journal, WhatsApp a friend, and then the block is gone. So I have been practicing this for a while and it has helped me feel ready to jump back into sharing what create again.
Mistakes and Failures are NOT Inherently Bad
So I wanted to share this little update, and so hopefully you guys will stick with me as I wobble my way back into posting and creating. I’m sharing this story because I think it’s important.
We are all human, even us therapists who have a wealth of knowledge and tools, we still get backed up in life. We sometimes make bad decisions, we mess up, or we don’t achieve the goals that we want to, and it still makes us feel bad. In this place of feeling bad we can get stuck, unable to do things that we know, that we teach clients how to do it, and sometimes we forget to do them ourselves.
So I offer to you some wisdom that I have learned on this journey which is, it’s ok to make a mistake and not be perfect. It is ok to take a chance, making an empowered and inspired choice, and if it does’t work out it doesn’t mean what you did was a wrong thing or a bad thing. Taking a chance on something you find valuable or what you believe can have the best pay-offs. If it doesn’t work we can use it to learn and then to pivot. So let go of the fear of making mistakes, they will keep you stuck. Believe in yourself and give it a try, it just might be the best thing you ever did.
