Multigenerational Trauma and Attachment:  A type of Relational Trauma that is Often Passed Down Generation After Generation, Unintentionally 

Part 1

We all know that childhood trauma can have lasting impacts, especially if this trauma goes unresolved. The symptoms of PTSD and other chronic stressors take a toll on our physical, emotional, and cognitive selves. Traumas can be single incident traumas, a car accident,  complex trauma, ongoing child (sexual) abuse, and yes even multigenerational, racism against African-Americans.  In the case of multigenerational trauma, we know that this trauma can actually change our genes (epigenetics).  Our genes mutate (change) in response to our environment. Just like with the developing brain what gets used repeatedly and consistently strengthens or becomes more developed and what is not, remains underdeveloped or weak. It’s there but not as prominent. It will also show itself in our behaviors and cognitions. The way we think and speak about ourselves and others. In the case of trauma what we are looking at is the effects of chronic activation of the Stress Response System and how this shows up across families and individuals. This often shows up in our attachment styles. 

These past couple of weeks have been filled with the joyful event of graduation. My brother, my nephew, and some clients are all going through the big milestone of graduation. As a result,  I have spent more time with my family but also in session with my clients, noticing certain themes that have been popping up all over the place. The biggest theme that has been showing up has been folks feeling like they don’t matter. Using phrases such as “I want people to see me for me”, “I feel invisible”, or “I don’t want to hide any more”. It’s a call for reconnection and authenticity within ourselves and our relationships. Yet, we are feeling like we cannot connect, we cannot be truly seen, loved, and accepted. 

As we dive deeper into our histories we start to notice that some of this is coming from our own unhealed attachment wounds. Relational Traumas! And when we dive in further we start to see how these behaviors get passed down generation after generation, from folks who have experienced trauma themselves but were told to “just get over it and move on”. The learned behaviors that kept them protected in unsafe environments (adaptive functioning) that get passed down each generation (even when said generation is not faced with the same threat) is an example of multigenerational trauma that remains unhealed. 

One of the biggest challenges when it comes to multigenerational trauma is that often times the adaptive behaviors, the ones that kept previous generations alive in hostile and frightening environments, are not understood to be just that. But rather we just pass down certain behavior patterns and interactions because that’s what our parents did, never stopping to explore if this way of being is healthy or unhealthy. If these patterns are a result of untreated trauma symptoms or is it something that truly comes from culture, social norms and customs.

Multigenerational Trauma and Attachment: The Connection

When looking at the impacts of multigenerational trauma we also must look at how this impacts attachment, secure vs insecure attachment. Secure attachment is also known as a safe/secure base. This means that the baby, who is curious about the world around them, can go out and explore what’s around them. They will look back to their caregivers to determine if something is essentially safe. When they feel safe, loved, and nurtured they feel confident and curious, less afraid and anxious. This promotes play, exploration, and curiosity.

On the other hand when you’re looking at insecure attachment the basic hallmark is that the world is scary and unsafe. Exploration is curtailed because the baby experiences fear or anxiety when they are away from their primary caregiver or when they are with their caregiver (if said caregiver is frightening like in the case of physical and sexual abuse). 

Most folks who are insecurely attached are not so because of direct abuse and neglect by their parents but really because of unintentional behavioral interactions. These usually revolve around parents who don’t understand the developmental needs of their baby so they get frustrated or try to push them to be more advanced. This can be frightening and anxiety provoking for a baby who is reading your nonverbal cues and receiving the message that what they are doing (and thus they are) not good. 

This is also seen with parents who follow the old myth that you shouldn’t hold your babies too often because you will “spoil them”. So there are mothers who don’t hold their babies or believe in letting their babies “cry it out” so they will learn to “self soothe”. Again these folks are not intentionally causing distress in their babies they just don’t understand their developmental needs. When a baby is held, rocked, and spoken to quietly when they are distressed these combined behaviors calm the nervous system down and promotes bonding (connecting) with the release of neurochemicals throughout the body. 

This begins during infancy but this positive physical touch continues to be soothing and calming throughout childhood, adolescences, and even into adulthood. We often seek comfort in the arms of a loved one and this often starts from these early experiences. 

Finally, when looking at multigenerational trauma and attachment we must also look at people who have historically been oppressed by the larger majority. When generation after generation institutions and folks with power have used that power to negatively impact the lives of others (minorities) then these folks often develop hypervigilance and anxiety. As they parent their children they do so from a place of self protection, often being on guard. They may vacillate between the extremes of emotions in response to daily stressors related to powerlessness and  inhibit their babies curiosity and exploration for fear that the majority might harm their child(ren). There’s also an element of indirect messaging to grow up fast, that’s part of this set protective measure. I will dive more into this in part 2 when I dive a little deeper into this topic and also discuss ways you can heal if this is something you’re struggling with. 

Conclusion:

Multigenerational trauma is something that we are just beginning to really explore and take into consideration when we look at our mental health needs. The link between insecure attachment and multigenerational trauma is one that has not been explored in depth but still impacts most of ourselves. Again it’s no that parents are intentionally out trying to harm their parents but that they often lack the understanding of a child’s developmental needs, they have unhealed attachment needs that are driving their behaviors unconsciously, and/or they are struggling with their own mental health needs (depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc). We should have compassion and patience for ourselves as we try to do the best that we can and increase our awareness and intentionality as we strive to improve. 

Does your past continue to haunt you, affecting your self-esteem and relationships? Let’s work together to change this. Schedule your intake session today.

I hope you found this post helpful! I’d love to hear from you in the comment section! 

Thank you for taking the time to read. Remember sharing is caring, so share if you found this helpful!

Until we connect again,

Chana

Predators use manipulation in order to gain the trust of their targets. These manipulation tactics are globally known as grooming behaviors. Grooming behaviors are designed to make the target of the abuse feel “special”, build trust, and have access to the target fairly easily. Most people who sexually abuse children, use children that they know all ready. This often includes family members, family friends, other children, and people like coaches or religious figures. These folks tend to all ready be embeded in the family system, which makes the grooming a lot easier. But there are other predators who start out as strangers to your child and also to you. They come in through the internet and unfortunately with Covid-19 making more of us have to do things online, online sexual predators are taking advantage of this to find more targets. 

I know that with Covid-19 requiring social distance and schools being closed that parents are overwhelmed with trying to balance it all. Unfortunately, abusers are taking advantage of this overwhelm and becoming more sophisticated in their grooming tactics. This is why it’s even more important that we stay vigilant in protecting our children and teens from online sexual predators. 

What Exactly is Grooming Behaviors?

Grooming behaviors are behaviors that sexual predators use to gain access to their targets. These behaviors frequently start off in an innocent way (at least they seem innocent, the reality is the predator is very skilled at manipulation). The sexual predator focuses on getting to know the child or teen online. They are friendly and initially don’t raise any red flags. They ask questions and share personal details in a way that seems like the two will be connected. The reality is that the predator is assessing for the child’s vulnerabilities. The questions asked are designed for the predator to gather information about the child or teen, and what the abuser is trying to ascertain is the targets desire for connection. Basically they are playing off the targets vulnerabilities.

How Grooming Works

The goal the sexual predator has when using grooming behaviors is to get what they need from their target and to continue having them readily available, easily and without intervention. So the first stage is all about relationship building. As stated before the goal is to get to learn what the child or teens vulnerabilities are, and to use these vulnerabilities to make the child or teen feel special.

During this relationship building phase the child might not notice anything “wrong”. The predator will seem friendly and they are not overtly talking about anything sexual, in this first stage. The goal is really to build the relationship and they do this slowly. 

The second Phase is where the abuser begins to increase access to the target. As the “relationship” progresses the abuser increases contact with the target. They might talk for long periods at one sitting or have more frequent talks during the week. During this time things are usually not amiss and the child or teen most likely won’t have any strange feelings or feel like something is off. In fact they might feel trust and connection with the abuser during this time.

The Third Phase is where the predator starts to introduce sexual materials. Again they are moving slow. They play off the child or teens natural curiosity and invite questions. They may also ask questions. These questions are designed to A) see exactly where the child is at in their curiosity and B) see how open the child is to talking/exploring sex. Based on the child or teens reactions to certain questions or statements the predator will push upon their targets boundaries. As things progress the predator will begin to be more overt, asking the child or teen if they want to see parts of their body, asking the child or teen to show parts of their body off, and they might even have the target bring in a peer and have the two exploring together. In more extreme cases the child or teen will meet with the predator and now we move into human trafficking and prostitution territory. 

The final phase is maintaining the secrecy and maintaining access. This is where the predator moves from being nice and friendly to more overtly threatening and coersive. They will play on the child’s shame and guilt (along with fear) to keep the target going along with the sexual acts. The actual sex acts tend to increase in severity until some outside force stops it (usually through the child disclosing, but at other times the child or teen stops it on their own). 

I know that this can be frightening and scary but it’s important that we as adults understand how these predators act so we know how to defend. 

3 Ways You Can Protect Your Child or Teen From Online Sexual Predators 

Sexual predators are taking advantage of children and teens being home more often to coerce them, therefore it’s even more important as adults to protect our children and teens online. 

1. Communicate: This starts early with your child but the goal is to have open communication between you and your child or teen. You want to teach them the names of their body parts, consent, what is their boundary around touching, how to listen to their bodies (when they feel afraid or something doesn’t feel right), and what they can do about it (come to you for help). Establish yourself as a safe and trusted person for your child or teen. 

2. Normalize Curiosity: All kids are curious about their bodies and sexuality, you want to normalize this. Your goal here is to help your child and teen learn their boundaries. Help them feel ok with their boundaries and to learn about all the amazing things tat their bodies can do. When talking about sex talk about it as an adult activity not something kids should do and never between kids and adults. It’s ok for them to be curious and to ask questions or look for answers but that adults who are not good will take advantage of this. Therefore it’s important to establish who they can to about their bodies and sex as well as appropriate resources that they can use if they have information. 

3. Safe Guard: Setting up boundaries that are both physical and mental. The physical boundaries of website access and safety searches and the mental boundaries around helping your child learn the importance of setting and maintaining their own boundaries about what is and isn’t ok. Set firm guidelines and rules around the internet. If your home has a no social media rule then talk with your child about why this is and why it’s important that your child respects it. Have clear rules around what happens if they break this rule but don’t be naive as well. Assume your child might be on them and continue having talks with them about being safe online and how they can come to you if there is a problem.  

Conclusion:

Child predators use grooming behaviors just like all other sexual abusers, the only difference is that they use more elaborate means to coerce their targets and will often sexually abuse for profit (human trafficking and/or amateur porn sites). This is why it’s even more important that we stay vigilant in protecting our children and teens from these predators.

If you or your child is a survivor of sexual abuse and you want help then schedule your first appointment below to start on your healing journey. 

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Through this work, you begin to feel grounded and clear enough to trust yourself, set boundaries that hold, and choose relationships that feel safe.