New Beginnings: 5 Steps to Starting Over After Experiencing Failure

New beginnings, a chance to start over when we’ve experienced failure. We all go through things in life, good and bad, that force us to stop in our tracks and re-evaluate our lives. We may plan and plan and plan for something but just because we plan doesn’t mean that things will work out. This is a hard reality to face and one that can leave us feeling like we have failed. When we are young we feel like we have so much time ahead of us and that making a mistake is not necessarily the end of the road. But as we get older we start to feel the pressure of time and that with each new adventure the stakes feel higher. This makes the experience of failure feel like such a deep loss and the fear that accompanies it can leave us feeling stuck. 

Failure!

Failure! A word loaded with so much meaning and judgement. We often believe that to be a failure is essentially to mean that we are bad or that we have done something wrong. When we experience failure we have so many negative thoughts and feelings about ourselves and thus are abilities. We place so much weight on our accomplishments and we often use our accomplishments to define who we are. This is the place where the message “you get what you deserve”kind of lives. If we fail we deserve bad things, if we succeed we deserve good things. This is why failure can have such a profound effect on us, leading to depression, anxiety, and even symptoms of trauma if not full blown PTSD.

Coming to Terms With the Wrong Choices Made

One of the hardest parts about failure, is not just about our plans not working out, but about the choices we make along the way. When we make the choice to go one direction in the moment it feels right. We feel hopeful and positive. But as time moves along and we don’t see the results we hope for, then we can start to question our judgement. This then extends to an overall questioning of our abilities and capabilities as we move through and try to accomplish our goals. In this prolonged state of being, we may experience depression, anxiety, and trauma symptoms as our sense of safety is threatened. Our resulting behavior is reflective in chronic deployment of the stress response system (Fight-Flight-Freeze). 

In the moment, when we are going through failure, we may not be able to recognize that what we are experiencing is depression or anxiety. Instead we try to double down and force things to work rather than face the reality of things not going well. Again to admit that things are not going well or not going as planned conjures up thoughts about failure or fear that we are not enough. 

Feeling Stuck, While Everyone Seems to Zoom Past 

But the despite experiencing failure, whether that’s a project, business, or a relationship this doesn’t mean that we are failures or that we are destined to be stuck back at the starting line while everyone races around us. The hard part is sitting with all of the feelings that come along with failing and then deciding what our next steps will be. If it’s a relationship that’s not working, we might feel like a failure or that it’s your fault. The result from this experience is fear of opening our hearts again because you don’t want “fail again”. We may also question your self worth. 

On the other hand if it’s a business venture that didn’t go well we may be tempted to give it up and go back to our day jobs. After putting our hearts and souls into our business (as well as time and money) it makes sense that we feel like we can’t hack it. Going back to a day job ensures that we have stability even if it means giving up on your dream. This can be hard to stomach. 

Whatever path we choose we want to make sure that we’re not coming from a place of fear. This means that we’re going to have to deal with all of our feelings and thoughts that come along due to failure and find resolution around them. Only then can we choose what your next steps will be from a place of strength. 

5 Steps to Starting Over After Experiencing Failure

#1 Address the feelings over past failures. We must deal (with our feelings and negative thoughts) in order to heal. Trying to suppress our discomfort may work temporarily but in the long run all that’s happening is avoidance. Avoidance brings temporary relief but if the feelings aren’t dealt with properly they will come out in other ways (usually as emotional outbursts). We must address it all in order to move on, and the key is to addressing this in a slow manner, not all at once. 

#2 Decide on a direction to take and then be committed to that direction. It may be tempting to chuck it all and give up. To go back to our day jobs or toxic relationships because we believe this is all we deserve (after all you all ready failed). But this is your fear talking. The fear of the unknown and trying to protect us from pain. We can listen and acknowledge this fear without succumbing to it and allowing it to dictate our actions. This is why step one is so important because in processing our feelings we can come from a place of strength.

#3 Create a roadmap with new goals and plans. This can be exciting new adventure. As we try out a new plan or rework an old dream, that hope is still there. But along with the renewed hope is the knowledge and new experiences (from the past) that we can reflect on to see what worked and what didn’t. With this new information we can choose a new path and try out some other things that maybe we were afraid to try before. 

#4 Share and seek support. Share your plan with the people in our lives who love and care about us (our support network). Don’t just share the hopes and the dreams but also our fears and reservations. Allow them to cheer us on and also to give advice. Don’t try to bottle it all up and solve problems on our own. These connections will help keep you grounded when things get tough.

#5 Implement the plan and follow dreams and know that there will be a lot more fear because of things not working out before. Although this fear is normal, our intentions are to not let the fear consume us if you are committed to making things work. Thank the fear for trying to protect us and then let it know that we are committed to making our plans work because we believe in ourselves.  

In Conclusion

Just because something we wanted or hoped for didn’t work out it doesn’t mean that we are failures. We may experience it as a failure or something that didn’t go as planned, but that doesn’t mean we are unworthy or underserving of good things in life. Life is a roller coaster, with ups and downs. We may plan for something, only for it to be interrupted by something else. This will impact us in many ways but we have choices about how we want to respond to this adversity. In order to find some resolution and move on we must acknowledge and accept our thoughts and feelings about what went wrong. From here we can create a new plan, using the new knowledge that we gained from past mistakes. Even though it can be a tough pill to swallow, by taking it head on, we have the power and confidence to follow the path that’s right for us. 

These are just a few strategies, tips/steps, and recommendations! I hope you found this post helpful! I’d love to hear from you in the comment section!

Thank you for taking the time to read. Remember sharing is caring, so share if you found this helpful!

Until we connect again,

Chana

Predators use manipulation in order to gain the trust of their targets. These manipulation tactics are globally known as grooming behaviors. Grooming behaviors are designed to make the target of the abuse feel “special”, build trust, and have access to the target fairly easily. Most people who sexually abuse children, use children that they know all ready. This often includes family members, family friends, other children, and people like coaches or religious figures. These folks tend to all ready be embeded in the family system, which makes the grooming a lot easier. But there are other predators who start out as strangers to your child and also to you. They come in through the internet and unfortunately with Covid-19 making more of us have to do things online, online sexual predators are taking advantage of this to find more targets. 

I know that with Covid-19 requiring social distance and schools being closed that parents are overwhelmed with trying to balance it all. Unfortunately, abusers are taking advantage of this overwhelm and becoming more sophisticated in their grooming tactics. This is why it’s even more important that we stay vigilant in protecting our children and teens from online sexual predators. 

What Exactly is Grooming Behaviors?

Grooming behaviors are behaviors that sexual predators use to gain access to their targets. These behaviors frequently start off in an innocent way (at least they seem innocent, the reality is the predator is very skilled at manipulation). The sexual predator focuses on getting to know the child or teen online. They are friendly and initially don’t raise any red flags. They ask questions and share personal details in a way that seems like the two will be connected. The reality is that the predator is assessing for the child’s vulnerabilities. The questions asked are designed for the predator to gather information about the child or teen, and what the abuser is trying to ascertain is the targets desire for connection. Basically they are playing off the targets vulnerabilities.

How Grooming Works

The goal the sexual predator has when using grooming behaviors is to get what they need from their target and to continue having them readily available, easily and without intervention. So the first stage is all about relationship building. As stated before the goal is to get to learn what the child or teens vulnerabilities are, and to use these vulnerabilities to make the child or teen feel special.

During this relationship building phase the child might not notice anything “wrong”. The predator will seem friendly and they are not overtly talking about anything sexual, in this first stage. The goal is really to build the relationship and they do this slowly. 

The second Phase is where the abuser begins to increase access to the target. As the “relationship” progresses the abuser increases contact with the target. They might talk for long periods at one sitting or have more frequent talks during the week. During this time things are usually not amiss and the child or teen most likely won’t have any strange feelings or feel like something is off. In fact they might feel trust and connection with the abuser during this time.

The Third Phase is where the predator starts to introduce sexual materials. Again they are moving slow. They play off the child or teens natural curiosity and invite questions. They may also ask questions. These questions are designed to A) see exactly where the child is at in their curiosity and B) see how open the child is to talking/exploring sex. Based on the child or teens reactions to certain questions or statements the predator will push upon their targets boundaries. As things progress the predator will begin to be more overt, asking the child or teen if they want to see parts of their body, asking the child or teen to show parts of their body off, and they might even have the target bring in a peer and have the two exploring together. In more extreme cases the child or teen will meet with the predator and now we move into human trafficking and prostitution territory. 

The final phase is maintaining the secrecy and maintaining access. This is where the predator moves from being nice and friendly to more overtly threatening and coersive. They will play on the child’s shame and guilt (along with fear) to keep the target going along with the sexual acts. The actual sex acts tend to increase in severity until some outside force stops it (usually through the child disclosing, but at other times the child or teen stops it on their own). 

I know that this can be frightening and scary but it’s important that we as adults understand how these predators act so we know how to defend. 

3 Ways You Can Protect Your Child or Teen From Online Sexual Predators 

Sexual predators are taking advantage of children and teens being home more often to coerce them, therefore it’s even more important as adults to protect our children and teens online. 

1. Communicate: This starts early with your child but the goal is to have open communication between you and your child or teen. You want to teach them the names of their body parts, consent, what is their boundary around touching, how to listen to their bodies (when they feel afraid or something doesn’t feel right), and what they can do about it (come to you for help). Establish yourself as a safe and trusted person for your child or teen. 

2. Normalize Curiosity: All kids are curious about their bodies and sexuality, you want to normalize this. Your goal here is to help your child and teen learn their boundaries. Help them feel ok with their boundaries and to learn about all the amazing things tat their bodies can do. When talking about sex talk about it as an adult activity not something kids should do and never between kids and adults. It’s ok for them to be curious and to ask questions or look for answers but that adults who are not good will take advantage of this. Therefore it’s important to establish who they can to about their bodies and sex as well as appropriate resources that they can use if they have information. 

3. Safe Guard: Setting up boundaries that are both physical and mental. The physical boundaries of website access and safety searches and the mental boundaries around helping your child learn the importance of setting and maintaining their own boundaries about what is and isn’t ok. Set firm guidelines and rules around the internet. If your home has a no social media rule then talk with your child about why this is and why it’s important that your child respects it. Have clear rules around what happens if they break this rule but don’t be naive as well. Assume your child might be on them and continue having talks with them about being safe online and how they can come to you if there is a problem.  

Conclusion:

Child predators use grooming behaviors just like all other sexual abusers, the only difference is that they use more elaborate means to coerce their targets and will often sexually abuse for profit (human trafficking and/or amateur porn sites). This is why it’s even more important that we stay vigilant in protecting our children and teens from these predators.

If you or your child is a survivor of sexual abuse and you want help then schedule your first appointment below to start on your healing journey. 

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Through this work, you begin to feel grounded and clear enough to trust yourself, set boundaries that hold, and choose relationships that feel safe.