What is Dissociation? Why Do I Feel Stuck? 

Part 1 of 2

Do you ever wonder why you sometimes do things you don’t really want to do? Why you will say “yes” or say nothing when you really want to say “no”? Why you feel like you sometimes shut down or feel a sense of overwhelm in the presence of a man? Do you have gaps in your memory, not knowing how you got from one place to the other?

If any of the above sounds familiar to you, you might be experiencing dissociation, in these moments. Dissociation is not just a blanking out or having gaps in your memory, but there’s a behavioral component (a key and lesser known symptom) that goes a long with it, that can make you feel powerless. This behavior (symptom) is known as over-compliance.

The Freeze Response of the Stress Response System

The freeze response is one of the 3 adaptive survival responses (the flight, fight, freeze response of the Stress Response System) that a person under threat can experience when faced with an overwhelming threat. Triggered by the emotion of fear (or anything in its category) the brain releases a set of hormones, which then cause a person to behave in certain ways as a response to said threat. This response occurs on a largely unconscious basis, as the lower, more primitive parts of the brain kick in, while the frontal cortex (the awareness part) is cut off (at least momentarily). This is a survival instinct which is deployed, again, based on the emotional state of fear. More important the triggers that activate this response are based on past experiences you have had and the connections that were made as a result (think A+B=C). The more times in a persons life that the system has had to deploy, especially if there was little to no resolution (complex trauma), the more sensitive the activation system becomes.

Dissociation is the natural extension to chronic deployment of the Stress Response System and the use of the freeze response as a survival adaptation. I, and others in the field of trauma and neuroscience, like to talk about survival adaptations because it helps the survivor understand that what is happening in the moment is a normal response to threats. Moreover, it’s just as important for you to know that over time, with chronic deployment, these responses become more engrained. As a result, many survivors feel out of control or like these responses are “just part of my personality” when in fact, neither of these things are necessarily true.  It’s more or less a learned behavior in response to overwhelming threat, which means that you can unlearn and untie some of those past learned responses which no longer serve their purpose. This is the empowering part of the healing process. 

Loose Boundaries, Overly Compliant Behaviors, and it’s Link With Dissociation

Overly compliant behaviors are a common part of dissociation, that often have their roots in early childhood experiences of trauma. It’s related to the freeze response of the Stress Response System and is often activated when you’re faced with an overwhelming threat that you cannot mobilize yourself to escape from (fight or flight). This response is the most common response in children, who by their very nature, are typically unable to use mobilizing defenses to escape from threat. Therefore, when the Stress Response System is activated in instances of physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse the brain sends signals that release a set of hormones (most notably endorphins) that essentially brace your body for being harmed, by dulling out the physical pain, while also allowing for mental escape through disconnection. The result is a detachment or a disconnection from the body and mind. This mechanism allows for the person to survive the attack while essentially not feeling the enormity of the physical and emotional pain of the event. Over time these repeated deployments of the freeze response, your brain begins to make associations and connections between threats and the best outcome for survival, freeze and Dissociation. This experience can leave a person feeling trapped or frozen in place, as all systems go offline, leading to overly compliant behaviors. A true disconnect between body and mind.

Untreated Trauma From Childhood and It’s Lasting Effects

As with most trauma reactions that begin in early childhood, when left untreated and unhealed, the responses become more engrained and continue on into adulthood. When as a child you learned that the best way to cope with overwhelming threat is to freeze and numb out, any time  you encounter something that sets off alarm bells for a similar threat, your body reacts automatically by turning on the freeze response. As you remain frozen you become detached and disconnected, mind from body. Many survivors report that they are watching what’s happening to their body while not actually experiencing the different sensations that are occurring. When you are being overly compliant and going along with what others are saying or encouraging you to do, without feeling connected to the decision making process or your body, you are actually acting in your freeze response. Basically you are not in control of what your body is actually doing, and not only can this make you feel powerless but you also feel shame and guilt. As a result, may survivors who dissociate, report low self-esteem and self worth. 

The overly compliant behaviors begin in childhood but often go unnoticed because most adults prefer children to be compliant. For many children who have experienced trauma their systems are so sensitive and hyper aware of threats, that they have a lot of anxiety, that manifests itself in noticeable ways. These children are often labeled with ADHD, Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety, Depression, Oppositional Defiant Disorder etc etc. What you’re seeing in these examples are children who’s primary method for coping is through the use of mobilizing defenses (fight or flight). When they are triggered their bodies become defensive and ready to move.

But for many other children you get dissociation and over-compliance, a body that is unable to move.  These behaviors often get over looked, because they are not being disruptive in class or standing out in any noticeable way. When they are triggered their bodies become from and their minds wander. They numb out and disconnect from reality, bracing themselves from harm they cannot escape from. As a result, their trauma may not even be noticed or even if you know the child has experienced trauma, the adult may not even recognize that the overly compliant behaviors are actually a defensive response to trauma and it never gets acknowledged and therefore it’s left untreated. This leads to a higher chance of further revictimization by those who seek to harm. 

By paying attention to the quiet, “good”, “sweet”, compliant child who experienced trauma and helping them to identify their triggers for when they dissociate and subsequently how they can cope in better ways, you are helping them heal. This healing will teach them how to have better boundaries, how to protect themselves and keep themselves safe, and how to better attune to their bodies. The result is higher self esteem and self worth.

3 Ways to Help You Identify If You’re Struggling with Dissociation

Dissociation is a powerful trauma reaction that can leave a person detached but also at risk for being revictimized if they remain frozen when triggered. One of the challenges with dissociation is knowing whether this is something that you are a struggling with. Below are 3 ways in which you can identify if you are or a child you know is struggling with dissociation. 

#1 Overly compliant behaviors. This can look like not standing up for yourself when faced with someone who is not treating you right. In children or in others noticing a glazed look come over the person’s eyes. Stiff or robotic movements are also tell tale signs that a person is dissociating. It can also look like being approached by a man that you don’t know, who is making sexual advances towards you, and you going along with it despite your misgivings. Now I’m not talking about a conscious decision, in which you are attracted to the person and this is something you want to do, but rather either:

A) feeling compelled to act and not know why 

B) Actually blanking out and not remembering whether you consented or not 

C) literally feeling frozen or stuck. Followed by feeling your body moving along with the person any way, without cognitively deciding to do so

#2 Shutting down. When faced with a trigger you might shut down and not respond. This can lead to avoidant behaviors as you seek to alleviate your fears and discomfort. You also numb out and disconnect mind from body. The numbing can feel like emotional numbing but also physical numbing where you cannot feel parts of your body (or no part of your body) in those particular moments. 

#3 Memory loss or Gaps in your memory. If you find yourself looking back on your childhood and not having memories from childhood this is a huge flag that you might have been experiencing dissociation during childhood. Likewise if you continue to have gaps in your memory, especially if it’s something recent you may be dislocating quite regularly. 

Conclusion

Dissociation is a powerful response to trauma that is the freeze response doing it’s job to keep you safe. It’s the most common method of coping in children and it makes sense that when left unchecked or untreated that it continues into adulthood now causing you distress. You can learn how to manage your stressors and to identify triggers which set off this response, so that you can then learn better methods of coping. In part 2 of this blog I will be discussing techniques you can use to learn how to cope with dissociation.  So stay tuned.

If you or someone you know has experienced childhood sexual abuse or other complex traumas and your wanting to heal don’t hesitate to contact me and schedule your first session to get started. Healing is possible and you don’t have to be haunted by your past traumas. 

These are just a few strategies, tips, and recommendations! I hope you found this post helpful! I’d love to hear from you in the comment section!

Thank you for taking the time to read. Remember sharing is caring, so share if you found this helpful!

Until we connect again,

Chana

Predators use manipulation in order to gain the trust of their targets. These manipulation tactics are globally known as grooming behaviors. Grooming behaviors are designed to make the target of the abuse feel “special”, build trust, and have access to the target fairly easily. Most people who sexually abuse children, use children that they know all ready. This often includes family members, family friends, other children, and people like coaches or religious figures. These folks tend to all ready be embeded in the family system, which makes the grooming a lot easier. But there are other predators who start out as strangers to your child and also to you. They come in through the internet and unfortunately with Covid-19 making more of us have to do things online, online sexual predators are taking advantage of this to find more targets. 

I know that with Covid-19 requiring social distance and schools being closed that parents are overwhelmed with trying to balance it all. Unfortunately, abusers are taking advantage of this overwhelm and becoming more sophisticated in their grooming tactics. This is why it’s even more important that we stay vigilant in protecting our children and teens from online sexual predators. 

What Exactly is Grooming Behaviors?

Grooming behaviors are behaviors that sexual predators use to gain access to their targets. These behaviors frequently start off in an innocent way (at least they seem innocent, the reality is the predator is very skilled at manipulation). The sexual predator focuses on getting to know the child or teen online. They are friendly and initially don’t raise any red flags. They ask questions and share personal details in a way that seems like the two will be connected. The reality is that the predator is assessing for the child’s vulnerabilities. The questions asked are designed for the predator to gather information about the child or teen, and what the abuser is trying to ascertain is the targets desire for connection. Basically they are playing off the targets vulnerabilities.

How Grooming Works

The goal the sexual predator has when using grooming behaviors is to get what they need from their target and to continue having them readily available, easily and without intervention. So the first stage is all about relationship building. As stated before the goal is to get to learn what the child or teens vulnerabilities are, and to use these vulnerabilities to make the child or teen feel special.

During this relationship building phase the child might not notice anything “wrong”. The predator will seem friendly and they are not overtly talking about anything sexual, in this first stage. The goal is really to build the relationship and they do this slowly. 

The second Phase is where the abuser begins to increase access to the target. As the “relationship” progresses the abuser increases contact with the target. They might talk for long periods at one sitting or have more frequent talks during the week. During this time things are usually not amiss and the child or teen most likely won’t have any strange feelings or feel like something is off. In fact they might feel trust and connection with the abuser during this time.

The Third Phase is where the predator starts to introduce sexual materials. Again they are moving slow. They play off the child or teens natural curiosity and invite questions. They may also ask questions. These questions are designed to A) see exactly where the child is at in their curiosity and B) see how open the child is to talking/exploring sex. Based on the child or teens reactions to certain questions or statements the predator will push upon their targets boundaries. As things progress the predator will begin to be more overt, asking the child or teen if they want to see parts of their body, asking the child or teen to show parts of their body off, and they might even have the target bring in a peer and have the two exploring together. In more extreme cases the child or teen will meet with the predator and now we move into human trafficking and prostitution territory. 

The final phase is maintaining the secrecy and maintaining access. This is where the predator moves from being nice and friendly to more overtly threatening and coersive. They will play on the child’s shame and guilt (along with fear) to keep the target going along with the sexual acts. The actual sex acts tend to increase in severity until some outside force stops it (usually through the child disclosing, but at other times the child or teen stops it on their own). 

I know that this can be frightening and scary but it’s important that we as adults understand how these predators act so we know how to defend. 

3 Ways You Can Protect Your Child or Teen From Online Sexual Predators 

Sexual predators are taking advantage of children and teens being home more often to coerce them, therefore it’s even more important as adults to protect our children and teens online. 

1. Communicate: This starts early with your child but the goal is to have open communication between you and your child or teen. You want to teach them the names of their body parts, consent, what is their boundary around touching, how to listen to their bodies (when they feel afraid or something doesn’t feel right), and what they can do about it (come to you for help). Establish yourself as a safe and trusted person for your child or teen. 

2. Normalize Curiosity: All kids are curious about their bodies and sexuality, you want to normalize this. Your goal here is to help your child and teen learn their boundaries. Help them feel ok with their boundaries and to learn about all the amazing things tat their bodies can do. When talking about sex talk about it as an adult activity not something kids should do and never between kids and adults. It’s ok for them to be curious and to ask questions or look for answers but that adults who are not good will take advantage of this. Therefore it’s important to establish who they can to about their bodies and sex as well as appropriate resources that they can use if they have information. 

3. Safe Guard: Setting up boundaries that are both physical and mental. The physical boundaries of website access and safety searches and the mental boundaries around helping your child learn the importance of setting and maintaining their own boundaries about what is and isn’t ok. Set firm guidelines and rules around the internet. If your home has a no social media rule then talk with your child about why this is and why it’s important that your child respects it. Have clear rules around what happens if they break this rule but don’t be naive as well. Assume your child might be on them and continue having talks with them about being safe online and how they can come to you if there is a problem.  

Conclusion:

Child predators use grooming behaviors just like all other sexual abusers, the only difference is that they use more elaborate means to coerce their targets and will often sexually abuse for profit (human trafficking and/or amateur porn sites). This is why it’s even more important that we stay vigilant in protecting our children and teens from these predators.

If you or your child is a survivor of sexual abuse and you want help then schedule your first appointment below to start on your healing journey. 

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Each post is an invitation to slow down, notice, and remember that your healing is already unfolding. These reflections are here to remind you that you are not alone and that wherever you are in your process, I hope these words help you feel a little more steady inside your own story.

If something in this post stayed with you, therapy is where we slow down and begin to make sense of what it’s connected to.

It’s a space to feel safe enough to notice what your body has been carrying and begin to let it shift.

Through this work, you begin to feel grounded and clear enough to trust yourself, set boundaries that hold, and choose relationships that feel safe.