When Attachment Causes Trauma and Three Tips To Helping You Heal Pt 2

Trauma is more than experiencing child abuse, war, rape, etc but can often include attachment wounds. Often when one thinks about insecure attachment or attachment wounds we often link this to issues with abandonment related to adoption, neglect, or again child abuse. The truth is that issues with attachment, which often relate to insecure attachment, have more to do with mismatches in attunement and not getting ones emotional needs met. In Part 1 of this series I spoke directly about insecure attachment and how it links to trauma symptoms. Now in Part 2 I’ll focus more on how to identify whether or not you have insecure attachment and how you can heal from it. 

When Attachment Goes Ary 

Early disruptions in attachment or interpersonal traumas are basically a failure of the Social Engagement System. Essentially the caregiver(s) display a limited capacity to consistently, safely, nurture, and attune to their babies needs. The result is that the baby in turn displays a limited capacity for self-regulation. This is due to having a smaller window of tolerance, which happens over time and with this type of consistent misattunement or inconsistent attunement. 

In instances of abuse and/or neglect, the child’s opportunity to utilize the Social Engagement System for care and protection has been overridden as their need for survival takes precedent. The child experiences overwhelming arousal (in the form of physical, sexual, and/or emotional harm) without the availability of attachment mediated comfort for repair (someone to provide safety, protection, nurturance, and co-regulation). Without adequate attempts to repair and development the Social Engagement System within a secure attachment relationship framework a child is unable to create a sense of unity and continuity of their self across the past, present, and future or in their relationship with self or with others. The end result is emotional instability, social dysfunction, poor response to stress, cognitive disorganization, and disorientation. 

Even without abuse or neglect in an overt way, insecure attachment can develop when a child’s emotional needs are not met. This can lead a person to continuing to struggle with emotional instability, social dysfunction, cognitive disorganization and disorientation as a result. Again these behaviors come in a wide range, they are not just one way. Attachment related issues can have long term negative effects, such as: the diminishing capacity to modulate arousal levels, develop healthy, safe and secure relationships, and cope with stress.  Attachment disruptions undermine the child’s ability to recover and reorganize, to feel soothed or safe.

There are three types of insecure attachment, Insecure-Avoidant, Insecure Ambivalent/Anxious, and Disorganized/disoriented Attachment. I will not go into the differences in this blog but instead I’ll generally talk about insecure attachment and it’s long term impacts. 

Insecure Attachment, As a Whole

There are 3 categories within insecure attachment, but the theme that binds them all is anxiety. This anxiety can be manifested in a multitude of ways, but most notably the fear and anxiety around losing connection to others. 

This fear can lead a person to being overly clingy. With this you may fear that if the person you want to connect with is not right in front of you, that somehow you will be forgotten. Or worse yet, that they do not like/love you. This then leads you to feel intensely anxious, afraid, and unloved. In order to alleviate this distress and feel connected you may frantically text or call the person. Often doing this repeatedly until you get an answer.  You may also attempt to seek constant reassurance from the other that they are not going anywhere, but this is often not enough to fully alleviate your distress. The end result is that you get in unhealthy relationships or you find that you cannot keep relationships, which then perpetuates the feelings of loss.

Your anxiety can be manifested as fear of connecting, so you avoid close relationships. You may be afraid to be vulnerable with another therefore you never share personal details about your life and you have the ability to deflect attention away from yourself if someone attempts to get too close. People may have described you as cold or aloof. You might also have very extreme thinking or make blanket statements, typically around gender. “Men can’t be trusted, all women are manipulative,” etc which give you some indications about your fear of connecting. The end result is that you are fiercely independent and avoid intimate or close relationships. 

Finally you may be someone who is a little mix of both. You state that you want to be close to others but when you get close to them you feel this tug of war, push pull phenomena happening. In one instance you may be very clingy, while in other instances you  are pushing them away. Your emotions tend to feel intense, you intensely love and you intensely hate. If the other does something wrong then you find yourself feeling incredibly betrayed by them, like they do not understand or value you. Anxiety and fear are often present all time and you have difficulty alleviating this fear even when you get your desired effect (moving the person away or keeping them close). The end result is that you move quickly into relationships while also ending them with the same quickness and intensity. This only serves to fuel your anxiety and fear of loss of connection (abandonment).

Insecure attachment leaves a person vulnerable to reacting on impulse as they feel things so very intensely and have a limited capacity to self regulate when their attachment anxiety is triggered. Their methods for coping end up driving people away which is typically not their intent. Healing from attachment wounds requires you to start from the beginning. To find someone (typically a therapist but could also be a friend, partner, or anyone you trust) to begin to start that relational repair 

Healing From Trauma Related to Attachment Wounds

Healing from trauma symptoms that are related to attachment wounds is possible.  The healing process focuses on tuning into your body and your sensations when you’re with another person, typically an attachment figure. I want to add that as babies and children our attachment figures are typically the ones who care for us, parents, guardians, or really anyone in the care taking role. As we get older and enter adult relationships our attachment figures can be these people but often they move into romantic partners or friendships. So when your thinking about using these tips for healing you don’t need to think about trying to reconnect with parents or guardians, especially if these relationships were toxic, but you can think about building that secure attachment relationship with a friend or romantic partner. 

#1: Explore the fear that you feel when you connect with another person. Reflect and ask your self what thoughts come up when you are trying to connect with another. These thoughts often come up as questions about your self worth, your physical appearance, your intelligence, or personality. You might even become fearful if someone pays you any type of attention, feeling anxiety or “weird” when the spotlight is on you. 

#2: Learn to understand how your body responds when in the fear state and develop the tools you need to manage those reactions. Is there a change in heart beat? How about your breathing? Physically what are your arms and legs doing, moving away or moving towards someone? Get curious about what’s happening in your body and mind at these particular moments. Use grounding techniques to slow yourself down and not react on impulse. Give yourself time for the cortex to get online as opposed to just listening to the trauma reaction coming from your fear and anxiety. 

#3: Practice these tools with others. Find someone you trust and feel somewhat close to and begin using these techniques. Notice what happens in your body when they are not with you, what sensations come up and what thoughts come along with it. Then ground yourself and allow yourself to move through the anxiety, reminding yourself that they are not gone forever or that they will be back. Whatever statement you choose, but say it every time. Develop with the person a method for communication that helps alleviate your distress. Maybe thats the person calling at a certain time or day of the week to build up that trust, using the in between time to practice using your tools manage your feelings of anxiety. 

Conclusion

Attachment wounds can cause trauma symptoms. Just like the brain is wired to spot and respond to threats in your environment, it’s also wired for connection to others. Positive relationships can serve as a buffer to the development of long term trauma symptoms, as they serve as a reminder that there are safe, healthy, and caring people out there. Moreover, by being in a relationship with these types of people it reinforces your own good qualities which can be validating and boost your self-esteem, if you’re struggling with it. 

The lack of connection only reinforces your fears and anxiety about “threats” being out there and the world being an unsafe place. Part of healing from your attachment wounds is to become more flexible in your thinking and your responses when interacting with others. 

These are just a few strategies, tips, and recommendations to help you heal from attachment wounds! I hope you found this post helpful! I’d love to hear from you in the comment section!

Thank you for taking the time to read. Remember sharing is caring, so share if you found this helpful!

Until we connect again,

Chana

If you have any questions or would like to talk to learn more about Trauma Therapy, feel free to reach out any time by visiting my contact page.

Predators use manipulation in order to gain the trust of their targets. These manipulation tactics are globally known as grooming behaviors. Grooming behaviors are designed to make the target of the abuse feel “special”, build trust, and have access to the target fairly easily. Most people who sexually abuse children, use children that they know all ready. This often includes family members, family friends, other children, and people like coaches or religious figures. These folks tend to all ready be embeded in the family system, which makes the grooming a lot easier. But there are other predators who start out as strangers to your child and also to you. They come in through the internet and unfortunately with Covid-19 making more of us have to do things online, online sexual predators are taking advantage of this to find more targets. 

I know that with Covid-19 requiring social distance and schools being closed that parents are overwhelmed with trying to balance it all. Unfortunately, abusers are taking advantage of this overwhelm and becoming more sophisticated in their grooming tactics. This is why it’s even more important that we stay vigilant in protecting our children and teens from online sexual predators. 

What Exactly is Grooming Behaviors?

Grooming behaviors are behaviors that sexual predators use to gain access to their targets. These behaviors frequently start off in an innocent way (at least they seem innocent, the reality is the predator is very skilled at manipulation). The sexual predator focuses on getting to know the child or teen online. They are friendly and initially don’t raise any red flags. They ask questions and share personal details in a way that seems like the two will be connected. The reality is that the predator is assessing for the child’s vulnerabilities. The questions asked are designed for the predator to gather information about the child or teen, and what the abuser is trying to ascertain is the targets desire for connection. Basically they are playing off the targets vulnerabilities.

How Grooming Works

The goal the sexual predator has when using grooming behaviors is to get what they need from their target and to continue having them readily available, easily and without intervention. So the first stage is all about relationship building. As stated before the goal is to get to learn what the child or teens vulnerabilities are, and to use these vulnerabilities to make the child or teen feel special.

During this relationship building phase the child might not notice anything “wrong”. The predator will seem friendly and they are not overtly talking about anything sexual, in this first stage. The goal is really to build the relationship and they do this slowly. 

The second Phase is where the abuser begins to increase access to the target. As the “relationship” progresses the abuser increases contact with the target. They might talk for long periods at one sitting or have more frequent talks during the week. During this time things are usually not amiss and the child or teen most likely won’t have any strange feelings or feel like something is off. In fact they might feel trust and connection with the abuser during this time.

The Third Phase is where the predator starts to introduce sexual materials. Again they are moving slow. They play off the child or teens natural curiosity and invite questions. They may also ask questions. These questions are designed to A) see exactly where the child is at in their curiosity and B) see how open the child is to talking/exploring sex. Based on the child or teens reactions to certain questions or statements the predator will push upon their targets boundaries. As things progress the predator will begin to be more overt, asking the child or teen if they want to see parts of their body, asking the child or teen to show parts of their body off, and they might even have the target bring in a peer and have the two exploring together. In more extreme cases the child or teen will meet with the predator and now we move into human trafficking and prostitution territory. 

The final phase is maintaining the secrecy and maintaining access. This is where the predator moves from being nice and friendly to more overtly threatening and coersive. They will play on the child’s shame and guilt (along with fear) to keep the target going along with the sexual acts. The actual sex acts tend to increase in severity until some outside force stops it (usually through the child disclosing, but at other times the child or teen stops it on their own). 

I know that this can be frightening and scary but it’s important that we as adults understand how these predators act so we know how to defend. 

3 Ways You Can Protect Your Child or Teen From Online Sexual Predators 

Sexual predators are taking advantage of children and teens being home more often to coerce them, therefore it’s even more important as adults to protect our children and teens online. 

1. Communicate: This starts early with your child but the goal is to have open communication between you and your child or teen. You want to teach them the names of their body parts, consent, what is their boundary around touching, how to listen to their bodies (when they feel afraid or something doesn’t feel right), and what they can do about it (come to you for help). Establish yourself as a safe and trusted person for your child or teen. 

2. Normalize Curiosity: All kids are curious about their bodies and sexuality, you want to normalize this. Your goal here is to help your child and teen learn their boundaries. Help them feel ok with their boundaries and to learn about all the amazing things tat their bodies can do. When talking about sex talk about it as an adult activity not something kids should do and never between kids and adults. It’s ok for them to be curious and to ask questions or look for answers but that adults who are not good will take advantage of this. Therefore it’s important to establish who they can to about their bodies and sex as well as appropriate resources that they can use if they have information. 

3. Safe Guard: Setting up boundaries that are both physical and mental. The physical boundaries of website access and safety searches and the mental boundaries around helping your child learn the importance of setting and maintaining their own boundaries about what is and isn’t ok. Set firm guidelines and rules around the internet. If your home has a no social media rule then talk with your child about why this is and why it’s important that your child respects it. Have clear rules around what happens if they break this rule but don’t be naive as well. Assume your child might be on them and continue having talks with them about being safe online and how they can come to you if there is a problem.  

Conclusion:

Child predators use grooming behaviors just like all other sexual abusers, the only difference is that they use more elaborate means to coerce their targets and will often sexually abuse for profit (human trafficking and/or amateur porn sites). This is why it’s even more important that we stay vigilant in protecting our children and teens from these predators.

If you or your child is a survivor of sexual abuse and you want help then schedule your first appointment below to start on your healing journey. 

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If something in this post stayed with you, therapy is where we slow down and begin to make sense of what it’s connected to.

It’s a space to feel safe enough to notice what your body has been carrying and begin to let it shift.

Through this work, you begin to feel grounded and clear enough to trust yourself, set boundaries that hold, and choose relationships that feel safe.