When Attachment Causes Trauma: How Attachment Works Part 1

Many people think of trauma as something big that has happened to a person. We often think of sexual abuse, physical abuse, rape, or war when we think about trauma. But the reality is that attachment disruptions or issues around attachment often causes trauma symptoms. 

Attachment has been studied for decades and most people know the basics. Secure attachment is good, and insecure attachment is bad. Yes, that’s an over simplification of how many of us think about attachment, we strive for secure attachment as parents and when we think about insecure attachment we think about failure. 

One thing I want to make clear in this blog is that discussions around secure vs insecure attachments are not about intentionality. Most parents don’t strive to harm their children, and think, “I don’t want to connect with my baby” or “I want them to hurt”. No, insecure attachment, comes about because of a lack of awareness. Most of us parent the way we were parented, either by taking what we learned and repeating it and/or taking what we didn’t like and doing things differently. Mainly though, as parents the goal is to parent to the best of one’s abilities in order to create a happy and loving environment for our children. 

I also want to state that attachment is not black or white, secure vs insecure, but rather that it can be experienced as a range or a gradient. This range can be 100% secure (which is rare) on the left and 100% disorganized (a type of insecure attachment) on the right, where most people fall somewhere in between. 

Finally attachment is not just about how the parent responds to their baby but also about the babies express their individual needs. We all come into this earth with our own unique set of sensitivities, with some of us needing a lot of input or stimulation while others need very little. Some babies are difficult to soothe while others are easy. Some babies have high energy, while others have low energy. Again, it depends on the way their individual systems are wired. Part of attachment is being able to attune effectively to those needs most of the time, so that the baby develops the skills necessary to self regulate later on. 

With that being said, the reality is that early relational dynamics between baby and caregiver(s) serve as the foundation for our adult relationships.

Parenting and Brain Development

Parenting starts even before the baby is born. The baby’s development in utero, in part, depends on the environment created by the pregnant mother. How are her stress levels? What toxins is she subjecting baby to (theres the ones in the environment we cannot control like pollution and ones we can such as alcohol and tobacco which we can)? Is she getting enough rest, eating well, and staying healthy and safe? Some of the reasons these questions are so crucial is because the development of the baby’s organs and other physiological components are aided by the rhythm of the mothers heart beat, the food she ingests which the baby absorbs, the amount of oxygen she gets and it’s connections to blood vessels and other organ development, etc. This is the beginning stages of early brain development, most notably the brainstem and its physiological components (aka the physical wiring of the baby). 

Once the baby is born and during those first 5 years, the brain continues to develop rapidly.  Building upon some of the foundational support that occurs in utero, the baby’s brain develops in a sequential and use dependent fashion. This means that each developmental block builds upon what comes before it. What gets retained is what is used repeatedly and consistently. One of the fundamental building blocks that needs to be developed is emotional regulation. 

Emotional Regulation

Infants are unable to fully regulate themselves and need attachment figures to help them with this. This mechanism is called co-regulation and requires the caregiver to be attuned to their babies needs. They also need to be able to consistently and safely fulfill those needs. This includes relational repairs when attunement is mistimed or mismatched. The relationship between baby and attachment figure actually is the foundation for which we all develop lifelong tendencies for regulating our arousal levels and our affect. That is our ability to manage our stress levels and our emotions effectively. This is why secure attachment is so vital.

Our ability to self regulate effectively is connected to our window of tolerance. The window of tolerance is something we all have and is our ability to continue functioning despite shifts in our arousal levels (think stress levels). This functioning includes how we process information and manage our emotional states at the same time. The larger the window of tolerance the greater our ability to handle fluctuations in arousal states (high, low, or somewhere in between. Arousal levels are our physiological and emotional responses to stimulation coming from a mix of our outside and inside environments). 

Conversely, the smaller the window of tolerance the harder it is for us to cope with these fluctuations in arousal levels. In fact these fluctuations can actually be experienced as overwhelming, unmanageable, and dysregulating. 

A secure attachment base, which is built upon the inborn tendency to connect relationally (Social Engagement System), is how we develop our window of tolerance which then contributes to our capacity for effective self-regulation.  

The Social Engagement System, Secure Attachment & Emotional Regulation

The social Engagement System is our innate method for seeking connection and calming from people we are connected/attached to. It’s also responsible for maintaining our arousal levels or helping arousal levels return to our optimal window of tolerance, by curbing the trauma reactionary systems of the Stress Response System (flight, flight, freeze).  The ultimate goal of the Social Engagement System is to seek proximity to our primary attachment figure in order to alleviate distress. Infants deploy vocal techniques such as cooing, babbling, and crying to get this need met. As they get older they use movement, crawling, rolling, and walking to do this as well. Around 3 months, but sometimes earlier, the baby uses smiling to achieve this goal as well. With repeated interactions and attunement the infant learns how to be more effective at signaling, engaging, and responding to their caregiver (and the caregiver learns the same) which shapes their Social Engagement System. As we become older we use verbal and nonverbal communication to achieve this proximity as well.

Primary Caregivers modulate their child’s arousal levels in different ways. When baby’s arousal levels become too high (as often evidenced by them crying) then the caregiver attempts to calm this distress by feeding, rocking, and/or swaddling their baby. Sometimes they get it right on the first try and sometimes its the fifth, but the goal is to alleviate distress and emotional repair happens because they continue to try, and eventually get it right. 

Other times the baby’s arousal levels are too low, as evidenced by lethargy or low energy, The mother begins to stimulate baby through the use of play, thereby bringing the baby’s arousal levels back within their window of tolerance. 

The Social Engagement System is built upon the face to face and body to body interactions with attachment figures which regulate the baby’s autonomic and emotional arousal. It is further developed through attuned interactions with caregivers who respond with motor and sensory contact (body language) which infants understand before verbal communication is possible. These interactions stimulate the development of the part of the brain responsible for effective emotional regulation of arousal. 

Conclusion

Attachment is fundamental to connecting with others. Without that connection a person has a difficult time developing a positive sense of self and their capacity to self regulate is limited. In part 2 I will dive deeper into ruptures of attachment and how this causes trauma symptoms as well as how you can heal from attachment wounds. So stay tuned for part 2.

I hope you found this post helpful! I’d love to hear from you in the comment section!

Thank you for taking the time to read. Remember sharing is caring, so share if you found this helpful!

Until we connect again,

Chana

If you have any questions or would like to talk to learn more about Relational Trauma Therapy, feel free to reach out any time by visiting my contact page.

Predators use manipulation in order to gain the trust of their targets. These manipulation tactics are globally known as grooming behaviors. Grooming behaviors are designed to make the target of the abuse feel “special”, build trust, and have access to the target fairly easily. Most people who sexually abuse children, use children that they know all ready. This often includes family members, family friends, other children, and people like coaches or religious figures. These folks tend to all ready be embeded in the family system, which makes the grooming a lot easier. But there are other predators who start out as strangers to your child and also to you. They come in through the internet and unfortunately with Covid-19 making more of us have to do things online, online sexual predators are taking advantage of this to find more targets. 

I know that with Covid-19 requiring social distance and schools being closed that parents are overwhelmed with trying to balance it all. Unfortunately, abusers are taking advantage of this overwhelm and becoming more sophisticated in their grooming tactics. This is why it’s even more important that we stay vigilant in protecting our children and teens from online sexual predators. 

What Exactly is Grooming Behaviors?

Grooming behaviors are behaviors that sexual predators use to gain access to their targets. These behaviors frequently start off in an innocent way (at least they seem innocent, the reality is the predator is very skilled at manipulation). The sexual predator focuses on getting to know the child or teen online. They are friendly and initially don’t raise any red flags. They ask questions and share personal details in a way that seems like the two will be connected. The reality is that the predator is assessing for the child’s vulnerabilities. The questions asked are designed for the predator to gather information about the child or teen, and what the abuser is trying to ascertain is the targets desire for connection. Basically they are playing off the targets vulnerabilities.

How Grooming Works

The goal the sexual predator has when using grooming behaviors is to get what they need from their target and to continue having them readily available, easily and without intervention. So the first stage is all about relationship building. As stated before the goal is to get to learn what the child or teens vulnerabilities are, and to use these vulnerabilities to make the child or teen feel special.

During this relationship building phase the child might not notice anything “wrong”. The predator will seem friendly and they are not overtly talking about anything sexual, in this first stage. The goal is really to build the relationship and they do this slowly. 

The second Phase is where the abuser begins to increase access to the target. As the “relationship” progresses the abuser increases contact with the target. They might talk for long periods at one sitting or have more frequent talks during the week. During this time things are usually not amiss and the child or teen most likely won’t have any strange feelings or feel like something is off. In fact they might feel trust and connection with the abuser during this time.

The Third Phase is where the predator starts to introduce sexual materials. Again they are moving slow. They play off the child or teens natural curiosity and invite questions. They may also ask questions. These questions are designed to A) see exactly where the child is at in their curiosity and B) see how open the child is to talking/exploring sex. Based on the child or teens reactions to certain questions or statements the predator will push upon their targets boundaries. As things progress the predator will begin to be more overt, asking the child or teen if they want to see parts of their body, asking the child or teen to show parts of their body off, and they might even have the target bring in a peer and have the two exploring together. In more extreme cases the child or teen will meet with the predator and now we move into human trafficking and prostitution territory. 

The final phase is maintaining the secrecy and maintaining access. This is where the predator moves from being nice and friendly to more overtly threatening and coersive. They will play on the child’s shame and guilt (along with fear) to keep the target going along with the sexual acts. The actual sex acts tend to increase in severity until some outside force stops it (usually through the child disclosing, but at other times the child or teen stops it on their own). 

I know that this can be frightening and scary but it’s important that we as adults understand how these predators act so we know how to defend. 

3 Ways You Can Protect Your Child or Teen From Online Sexual Predators 

Sexual predators are taking advantage of children and teens being home more often to coerce them, therefore it’s even more important as adults to protect our children and teens online. 

1. Communicate: This starts early with your child but the goal is to have open communication between you and your child or teen. You want to teach them the names of their body parts, consent, what is their boundary around touching, how to listen to their bodies (when they feel afraid or something doesn’t feel right), and what they can do about it (come to you for help). Establish yourself as a safe and trusted person for your child or teen. 

2. Normalize Curiosity: All kids are curious about their bodies and sexuality, you want to normalize this. Your goal here is to help your child and teen learn their boundaries. Help them feel ok with their boundaries and to learn about all the amazing things tat their bodies can do. When talking about sex talk about it as an adult activity not something kids should do and never between kids and adults. It’s ok for them to be curious and to ask questions or look for answers but that adults who are not good will take advantage of this. Therefore it’s important to establish who they can to about their bodies and sex as well as appropriate resources that they can use if they have information. 

3. Safe Guard: Setting up boundaries that are both physical and mental. The physical boundaries of website access and safety searches and the mental boundaries around helping your child learn the importance of setting and maintaining their own boundaries about what is and isn’t ok. Set firm guidelines and rules around the internet. If your home has a no social media rule then talk with your child about why this is and why it’s important that your child respects it. Have clear rules around what happens if they break this rule but don’t be naive as well. Assume your child might be on them and continue having talks with them about being safe online and how they can come to you if there is a problem.  

Conclusion:

Child predators use grooming behaviors just like all other sexual abusers, the only difference is that they use more elaborate means to coerce their targets and will often sexually abuse for profit (human trafficking and/or amateur porn sites). This is why it’s even more important that we stay vigilant in protecting our children and teens from these predators.

If you or your child is a survivor of sexual abuse and you want help then schedule your first appointment below to start on your healing journey. 

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If something in this post stayed with you, therapy is where we slow down and begin to make sense of what it’s connected to.

It’s a space to feel safe enough to notice what your body has been carrying and begin to let it shift.

Through this work, you begin to feel grounded and clear enough to trust yourself, set boundaries that hold, and choose relationships that feel safe.